Every Woman Can: Backstage with Velvet Hammer
Photo by Ted Soqui
Do you have a bobby pin?
I do, but I cant give it to you now. Im in a crucial Derma-blend moment.
Oh, now thats a quotable quote. Thats almost as good as Can I use your tweezers? Mind if I pluck my tit-hair with them?
Los Angeles Clippers v Indiana Pacers - Verified Resale Tickets
TicketsSun., Dec. 4, 6:30pm
Los Angeles Lakers v Utah Jazz - Verified Resale Tickets
TicketsMon., Dec. 5, 7:30pm
Anaheim Ducks v. Carolina Hurricanes
TicketsWed., Dec. 7, 7:30pm
Los Angeles Clippers v Golden State Warriors - Verified Resale Tickets
TicketsWed., Dec. 7, 7:30pm
The women backstage at Velvet Hammer, director/creator Michelle Carrs cult-popular homage to the lost art of burlesque, are showing off. Kitten De Ville introduces herself around with a saucy wink; Pleasant Gehman, a.k.a. Farhanna, lead belly dancer in the Flowers of the Desert, announces several times that a cat fight (between her real, domestic cats) has transformed her kitchen into a crime scene. It looks like the Manson-family house, she declares dryly, drifting aimlessly among her primping cohorts (she glittered her eyes and shellacked her hair at home). Kitten and Ming Dynatease tell the story of how Kittens car broke down on the street. There we were, two big, blond Velvet Hammer girls pushing a pink Cadillac, and no one would help us!
The women are not, however, playing it up for me, the decidedly drab writer standing in the corner scribbling in her notebook. In fact, they keep forgetting Im here.
With the 30 grand I make from the show, cracks one girl sarcastically (performers barely break even), Im going to Cuba with . . . She finishes the sentence with a name of a local producer known for his scams. Three women shoot me a look. You cant print that, says one. Oh, right, says another. Should I be watching what I say?
Onstage, the show might be for the screaming, adoring fans who fight for sightlines at the El Rey, but their performance in the dressing room is for each other. The gals who make it into the show, says associate producer Rita DAlbert, are gals gals.
Such Dixie Evans solidarity is a telling difference between these women and the originals they admire: While Evans so loved her fellow burlesque legends she created a shrine in the desert to honor them, Blaze Starr and Tempest Storm could afford only fleeting moments of camaraderie. Stories of burlesque dancers blacking each others eyes over stolen gimmicks are legion. If you didnt cut somebodys throat, burlesque dancer Flame Fury once said, theyd cut yours.
There was a sense of sadness about them that we dont have, says Melissa Duke, who performs a cowgirl number as Bubbles La Rue. They were doing it to make a living, and their lives were hard. Dancing next-to-naked wasnt much of a living then even burlesques stars didnt get rich and it isnt now: Strip.- pers in present-day clubs typically hand over half a nights take to the club, and the price of a lap dance has not exact..ly risen with inflation. Yet there are no career strippers here. Velvet Hammer, says Duke, is a great excuse to dress up and be sexy.
But can burlesque thus reduced and fossilized or elevated to religion still be sexy? Blaze Starr may have danced with more nuance and artistry than the average girl in the pussy pit at Star Strip, but her moves were without question calculated to, frankly, make men wish they could fuck her. Her shadowy desperation was part of her currency in the burlesque world, however much she left to the imagination. By contrast, a significant majority of Velvet Hammers fans are heterosexual women who arrive more elaborately jeuged or gussied up than the dancers, and sashay about the lobby like objets dart. The scene in the public bathroom at the El Rey on Friday night looked remarkably similar to the one Id just left backstage except that the womens can was even more saturated with hairspray.
Lately, women in the developed industrial world have decided that glamour and titillation are liberating its considered tragic, remember, that the Taliban prohibited women from wearing high heels. And if we can be sex objects without being skinny, all the better: The women of Velvet Hammer have bellies, stretch marks and flab; their breasts hang silicone-free, and they are not all under 30. One of them, Starlet OHara, stands somewhere under 4 feet tall; another, World Famous Bob, is clearly not within the insurance companys weight charts. But her raunchy little number, in which her large and pendulous breasts fly, thrillingly, up and down in opposition, has her audience howling.
You know youre on to something when the girls in the crowd are just as excited as the men, says DAlbert. Theyre like, The girls are beautiful, and theyre great dancers. But it makes me feel like I could do this. Yeah, I tell her. Me too.
Icons: Schmoozing Chuck
Weve been promised Michael Bolton. Randy Travis. Bernie Kopell. Sheriff Lee Baca. And though everywhere I turn, I swear I see Bo Derek, tonight weve come for Chuck. We are, after all, schmoozing at the cocktail-party installment of Salute to Chuck Norris, a benefit in honor of Chucks retirement from CBSs Walker, Texas Ranger. Its a patio affair at the Fairmont Miramar Hotel. A loony mix of cucumber sushi, zinfandel, military servicemen in full-dress uniform and an all-female mariachi band. Tuxedo-clad sexagenarians and Nancy Reaganesque women in sequined tunics work the room.
Known him for 30 years, growls a burly fellow at the bar. Great man. Great man. He hands over his business card: Bill Kolender, Sheriff, San Diego County. Mostly for lack of anything else to say, I admire the pin on his lapel. There is an art to flirting with men three times ones age, an art that boils down to the time-honored tradition of a low-cut evening gown and indiscriminate giggling.
You like it? Its yours. Undoing the clasp, he lurches forward and nabs the strap of my dress. He grins, wolflike. Ive been deputized.
Chuck arrives to a fanfare of mariachi violins. His eyes glitter. His teeth sparkle. The crowd parts. A flotilla of couples follows in his wake. Deftly preserved women in red Versace gowns and control-top pantyhose strike poses on the arms of stately William Shatner lookalikes. Chuck, of course, is all smiles. One smile, actual- ly, that doesnt leave his face the whole evening. Theres a Zen to Chuck that has to do with his black-on-black striped satin tux, the black cowboy epaulets stitched onto the jacket, the craggy cheeks. The grizzly, red beard.
The men swarm. They encircle Chuck and slap him on the back. They reminisce like old war buddies. They abandon their dates. Wives and nymphets alike drift at the edge of the whirl, clutching skinny cocktail glasses. The entire room swirls, kneaded by the great karate hand of Chuck.
Theres Chuck with General Hugh Shelton, retired chairman, Joint Chiefs of Staff. Chuck with the president of Monster Cable. Chuck with a captain from Edwards Air Force Base. Chuck with David Joe Isuzu Leisure. I edge into the receiving line to shake the senseis hand but am promptly bumped off by a large man in a USA-themed vest and matching boots. I catch a glimpse of Sheriff Kolender as he bear-hugs Chuck and reaches into his coat pocket for another star-shaped pin. Chucks circle of portly men collides with that of party host and former tennis star Vijay Amritraj. A momentary hush as Vijay and Chuck grasp arms like sumo wrestlers.
Out on the fringes, Im introduced to blond Julie Benz from the WBs Angel (mermaid-blue dress) and brunette Cerina Vincent of Not Another Teen Movie (pearls and rhinestones). They are two of the most gorgeous women I have ever met. That they have not been mobbed by throngs of salivating men and are parking it by the exit at a celebrity cocktail party is testament to the power of Chuck Chuck Chuck. This is no Britney mixer. Saluting, apparently, is a sport for men.
I thought I was gonna have to crash this thing tonight, Julie says.
I dutifully repeat my line for the evening: So how do you know Chuck?
I dont. But, gaaah! she holds her arms away from her body and bends backward at the waist, Its Chuck Norris. Spying the Chuckasaurus, she squeals, claps her hands and bounds away. And they call it Chuckie love.
Finally, I fight my way through the defense lines for 30 seconds with the master.
Chuck has soft hands. Never mind the tae kwan do, the tang soo do.
Thanks for coming tonight, he purrs.
My mind flashes to last nights episode of Walker, Texas Ranger, Rookie, episode No. 524. Chucks protégé goes undercover on a drug bust.
You didnt get any action on Walker last night, I offer.
Hey, you gotta let me take a break sometime! He does a little half karate-chop-kick. Two winks later, hes gone.
Chuck may be the master, the justice enforcer, the stony-faced keeper of the realm, but I cant help drifting toward the other end of the room where Bernie Kopell is making his entrance with a negative amount of pomp just as the band is launching into a chirpy rendition of Baby, Im Yours. His Love Boat tan is gone, replaced by a thin flocking of ashy whiteness. Visions of golf shorts and Doc and Captain Stubing dance in my head. Kopell stands by himself. Serious. Mellow. No cowboy boots, just an elegant black tux and slim, silver-rimmed glasses.
Excuse me, Mr. Kopell? I touch his arm lightly. Two companions have joined him, both older men in their late 60s. They tilt their heads quizzically.
Can I just say that Ive had the hugest crush on you ever since Love Boat. For a heartbeat the four of us stare at each other. Oh crap. Shouldve stuck with Chuck.
He slaps his thigh and raises both eyebrows. Whooo! he cries, laughing, Whoooo-hooo! The night belongs to Chuck. But my heart belongs to Bernie.
Art World: Do You Get the Dance of Darkness?
Five dancers swaddled in peasant rags moved across the Japanese American Cultural and Community Centers stage in Little Tokyo last Friday with a painful slowness, doubling up on their own bodies, crawling snail-like on their hands and legs, contorting themselves like palsied rag dolls with bulging muscles. Less like The Nutcracker, quite unlike Swan Lake. More like yoga in slow motion, as amber set around the tableau. The soundtrack: clanging Buddhist prayer bowls, helicopters, white noise, church bells, the murmur of a crowd, rain and a familiar Spanish guitar piece that threatened to make the audience sing along, Ay, ay, ay-ay . . . (I remembered it from a commercial for salsa, or perhaps it was taco mix.)
This is poopie, my friend whispered in my ear about halfway through the performance by Tokason, a dance troupe formed by Min Tanaka, the greatest contemporary practitioner of Ankoku Butoh, the avant-garde Dance of Darkness established in Japan during the late 1950s.
Fridays dance was supposedly based on Los Caprichos (trans. The Whims), a series of 80 etchings by Francisco de Goya, created in Spain in 1799 to savagely satirize the decadence of the church, the corruption of the monarchy and the brutality of the peasantry.
If no one charged you $18 and told you this was art, youd hate it, my friend said. The guy next to me kept nodding off. The rest of us were rapt or puzzled.
I think I got it, but then again, I had an inside track. For 10 days in September 1999, I visited Tanakas Body Weather Farm, a working farm in Hakushu, Japan, two and a half hours northwest of Tokyo. It was the last edition of a festival cheerfully known (or just mistranslated) as Art Camp, founded by Tanaka to further the work of Hijikata Tatsumi and Kazuo Ohno, the originators of Ankoku Butoh. Over the decade that it existed, more than 500 people took part in Tanakas workshops and learned a way of being while there. Or just a way of being there. It took some adjustment.
On a typical day youd witness half-naked people in ashy white body paint dancing in rice paddies, through ponds and up trees. Or youd kill, bleed and pluck a chicken that had been bitten in the ass by one of the farms dogs, and then make soup out of it. Or youd drink vending- machine sake with an alcoholic Samoan choreographer whod made a living in the 80s working as a Japanese television personality, following in the footsteps of many fellow islanders. (Imagine a television culture of Stepin Fetchit and Sambo, only focused on assorted gaijen of considerable size.) Or youd participate in the finale to the young persons edition of Art Camp, which involved dozens of preteens trying to light a 25-foot torch by forming a ring around it, dipping rocks in fuel, setting them aflame and slinging them across the circle at one another. It was a place of opposites. Lots of scowls and laughter.
We shake hands with the dead, who send us encouragement from beyond our body, Tatsumi once said of the dance he co-created. This is the unlimited power of Butoh.
Fridays program promised a dramatic climax on the JACCC Plaza, and outside all became clear(er). In the hour since wed entered the theater, bamboo structures hung with unshucked rice had been erected in the courtyard. The ground was covered in broad stripes of blue and white tarp, and a red truck was parked at the corner of it. A spotlight on the trucks flatbed shone a taut beam of light onto the moon; for a moment, though, it seemed as though that beam was being cast from the moon. The audience milled in confusion, tripped in depressions in the plaza and jockeyed for position. I smelled toothpaste. Was this a tribute to Aquafresh?
We were looking for answers. Tanaka was shaking hands with the dead. He appeared, dressed as an old soldier, and the music of a big band with a Japanese singer echoed in the night. The rest of Tokason emerged, stumbled about and handed out rice.
It made you angry or it made you think: At times like this, the lines between entertainers and artists are clearly drawn. Entertainers are drawn to tributes and charity events. Artists are prone to memorials. And, really my friends, those are not for you.
Alec Hanley Bemis
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Los Angeles, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.