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Elephant Porn at the L.A. Zoo: Because What's Valentine's Day Without a Little Bestiality?

So many fabulous ways to celebrate V-Day this year, it's a pity we have to choose just one. Ah, but the options: We could go on a worldwide Wiki hunt for all four (or more!) of Julian Assange's estranged love children (turns out the man fancies himself even more important than we thought, and has injected his seed into as many concave Earthlings as he could get his paws on -- further proving, alongside the OK Cupid profile and rape charge, that WikiLeaks will never be what it could have been, as its "mastermind" is dirtier than its documents). Ahem. We could go catch jailbait dreamboat J. Biebs in "Never Say Never," then record it on our iPhones and watch the hair swish over his forehead, over and over, in slo mo, into the night. Or we could always play it classic and pick at daisies and shake at 8 balls and sigh at clouds and stuff.

But we won't. Because none of that nonsense compares to what the L.A. Zoo has in store:

The cagey animal habitat is hosting $25-to-$35 human event "Sex and the City Zoo 2" this year, because the zebras and armadillos can't pay their own water bills now can they -- but will also be making it well worth the entry fee, if we do say so ourselves.

Location: Witherbee Auditorium at the L.A. Zoo. Date: Sunday, February 13. Reception: 5 p.m. to 6 p.m. Lecture: 6 p.m. to 7 p.m.

Some wistful press release-age:

"The lighthearted affair begins with a reception featuring tempting desserts and alluring wines followed by a provocative presentation by Zoo veteran Jason Jacobs with insights about the pros and cons of relationships vs. staying single in the animal kingdom.

Jacobs, L.A. Zoo's director of public relations and marketing, has worked in zoos since he was 13 years old. "Spending almost every day of my life in a zoo for more than twenty years and coming of age amid a menagerie has given me a unique perspective on the birds and the bees," he says, promising a presentation that is humorous as well as enlightening."

What zoo publicists left out: Jacobs will include a highly illustrative Power Point to backdrop his romantic novel of a Discovery Channel lecture. We did some pretty extensive interviews with the guy back when two hot older women moved in with Billy at the $42 million Elephants of Asia exhibit, and can confirm he makes the most mundane of animal behaviors into a total Marvin Gaye fireworks fest. We got quotes for days. Sample:

"Today they went out and saw each other for the first time," he said. "Tina and Billy looked at each other for quite a while. Jewel is more into eating."

Guess that rules out a threesome. Jacobs explained that the quarantine period is necessary to ensuring the animals don't transmit outside diseases, and that it's still an exciting time.

"It's not as simple as just sticking them in," he said. (That's also what she said.) "It's enriching to just be able to see each other, smell each other and touch each other through the holes."

As for the requests by animal-rights groups that Billy be moved to a sanctuary like Ruby, Jacobs said he doesn't think that would be a good idea. He explained that Ruby was "an older post-reproductive African," so she fit in better at the sanctuary.

"Sanctuaries are for animals who don't have options," he said. "Billy has a lot of options."

Today, Laura Stegman, spokeswoman for the Greater Los Angeles Zoo Association (who'll use the gala proceeds for wildlife preservation and conservation), answers our most burning question: "Yes, there will be photos of animals mating."

Schwing!

Also, we've heard rumors you'll be able to name a cockroach after your significant other for $10 and take a quiz on what kind of animal you'd be, based on your own sexual behavior. (Apparently tigers are known to be rather monogamous. Who knew.)

"Jason will provide insights about pros and cons of relationships versus staying single," says Stegman. "He's going to show animals mating and talk about thing animals do when they are looking for a partner, then compare that to things people do when they're looking for a partner."

We're so there. And no, not just for the elephant porn.

But mostly that.


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