Election '08: Happy Days Are Here Again!
BY MARC COOPER
Let's see Lehman Brothers goes bust, Merrill Lynch auctions itself off to B of A, WaMu circles the drain along with countless other banks, Wall Street itself is in the balance and with it the entire global economy teeters on the abyss. Other than that...
Alan Greenspan, former Fed Chief, libertarian economist and general darling of the corporate class, calls it " a once-in-a-century" financial crisis. What a worry wort.
Maybe it's all in his head, like Phil Gramm told us. Or maybe it's because Greenspan is married to NBC's Andrea Mitchell and he's really a sock puppet for the Angry Left Media. After all, Comrade Greenspan is now publicly warning against the McCain-Palin-Bush tax plan saying he is "not in favor of financing tax cuts with borrowed money."
What a wuss.
I say we go for it. These seem like perfect times to renew tax cuts for billionaires and big corporations -- provided there are any left in solvency by the end of the month. This seems like a great time to cut back the safety net and other federal entitlements and let the masses figure their own way out of the coming crash. Who needs Big Government when you have the right economic and political leadership at the helm, right? I say we do away with unemployment insurance altogether while we're at it. Give the American People the chance to show their real grit and gumption. Maybe they can each sell off one of their nine houses. Or marry an alcohol distributor heiress, right?
Anyway, I don't know about you...but these worsening conditions seem to DEMAND the election of a team like McCain-Palin. Anybody who professes to know as little about the economy as Mac does couldn't possibly do worse than the current crew, right? And Phil Gramm for Treasury Secretary! Let's get this sucker over right away.
And if ever there was a need for someone with the vast executive experience of the likes of Sarah Palin wouldn't it be right now? Isn't there some constitutional way or another to advance the election so we don't have to wait 50 more days? I would certainly sleep better through the coming economic winter knowing that at McCain's right hand is someone accustomed to living half the year in the frozen, barren darkness. A perfect fit!
And don't forget, when Palin was Mayor of Wasilla, she had to meet a payroll (of dozens!), oversee a budget for THOUSANDS of people (about 7,000 to be exact!) and she masterfully supervised the building of an ice rink. You try that -- once you're out of the soup line.
Go ahead, you weak-kneed panty twisters. Go ahead with your panic sell-off. Go play pattycake with Greenspan. Me? I'm giving orders tomorrow to my broker to buy, buy, buy as I just know we're gonna be in great hands very, very soon.
Buy, baby, buy!
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss LA Weekly's biggest stories.