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"Don't You People Ever Pave the Goddamn Streets?" and Other Questions Fielded by Eric Garcetti's New Help Desk

You've got the questions; Eric Garcetti's got the answers.
You've got the questions; Eric Garcetti's got the answers.
PHOTO BY SUSAN SLADE SANCHEZ

Last month, Mayor Eric Garcetti created a "help desk" for regular, normal Angelenos to ask anything they want. Anything at all.

"As people come to City Hall, they can come right here and ask us whatever question it is," Garcetti told KNX's Claudia Peschuitta. "My basic philosophy is you deserve whatever you want or a darn good explanation as to why you can't have it and nothing in between."

Finally! A politician who thinks we deserve whatever we want.

So what do Angelenos want? An exclusive L.A. Weekly investigation, undertaken exclusively by L.A. Weekly, has obtained an exclusive list of actual questions Angelenos have posed to the help desk. These questions, our exclusive investigation has confirmed, reveal the deepest desires of the citizens of Los Angeles -- and the questions that torment our very souls.

In no particular order, here are 25 actual help desk questions:

1. Is this the Bradbury building?

2. Is this where I pay my parking ticket?

3. Where can I get one of those weed cards?

4. What should my fake ailment be?

5. What's better - the 405, Sepulveda Pass, Coldwater Canyon, or prayer?

6. Seventy-three dollars for a street cleaning ticket? Are you fucking kidding me?

7. Let me rephrase that: Are you fucking kidding me?

8. I say that because $73 is so high so as to make its price akin to something of a joke.

Turn the page for more actual questions Angelenos have asked the help desk

 

9. Hey, so what happened to that Villaraigosa guy? Is it true that he was sleeved?

10. So, what's the story with parking at yellow curbs after 6 p.m.? Really? Are you sure?

11. Why do my neighbors keep saying "Doyers"? What's a "Doyer"?

12. How do you beat Candy Crush level 265?

13. You want an idea for a movie? I got an idea for a movie.

14. Don't you people ever pave the goddamn streets?

15. Which way to the Lactation Room?

16. Why are there so many songs about Reseda?

17. Where does the Eastside end? Where does the Westside begin? What do you call the middle?

18. Is San Pedro a real place? Or is it a metaphor?

19. Please make the Lakers better. That is, can you please make the Lakers better?

20. Spare some change? I work for Stockton.

21. What is a hipster and why do none of them want to be called that?

22. Wasn't Garcetti already the mayor on TV? In The Wire? No wait, not The Wire, The Closer. Does that mean we're in a TV show right now? Oh god, is this TV?!

23. Is death that which gives meaning to life?

24. Is this where they filmed In the Line of Fire?

25. We can put a man on the moon but we charge 73 dollars for a street cleaning ticket?!!

See also: Top 10 Reasons to Love Los Angeles and Never, Ever Leave

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