FRIDAY, November 7
“I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, ‘I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.’?” How can you not love Chelsea Handler? “Are you there, vodka? It’s me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail, and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I’ll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.” See what I mean? Fred Kavli Theater, Thousand Oaks Civic Arts Plaza, 2100 E. Thousand Oaks Blvd., Thousand Oaks; Fri., Nov. 7, 8 p.m.; $40 & $45. (213) 480-3232.
SATURDAY, November 8
Do you find this funny? “I love how New York is so multicultural. I wish I was ethnic. I’m nothing. Because if you’re Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, ‘He’s got a Latin temper!’ If you’re a white guy and you get angry, people are like, ‘That guy’s a jerk.’” How about this? “My wife’s gotten really lazy, or as she likes to call it, ‘pregnant.’” If the answer is yes, then you’ll love Jim Gaffigan. See how that works? The Wiltern, 3790 Wilshire Blvd.; Sat., Nov. 8, 7 & 11 p.m.; $42.75. (213) 480-3232.
SUNDAY, November 9
Wow, look at this unbelievable comedy lineup: Elayne Boosler, Jeff Garlin, Kevin James, Carol Leifer, Jay Leno, Larry Miller, Ray Romano, Kevin Nealon, Dom Irrera, Norm Crosby, Shelley Berman and Fred Willard, plus other surprises. If you think it’s a benefit, you’re right. Fellow comic Max Alexander is in serious need of funds for medical bills for his recent kidney transplant, and these high-powered funny pros have come together for Comedy to the Max: A Benefit for Comedian Max Alexander. Ms. Leifer doesn’t perform live all that much (too snooty), but she’s got some killer hilarious lines. Such as? “Whenever I travel I like to keep the seat next to me empty. I found a great way to do it. When someone walks down the aisle and says to you, ‘Is someone sitting there?’ Just say, ‘No one — except the Lord.’?” Directors Guild, 7920 Sunset Blvd., Hollywood; Sun., Nov. 9, 8 p.m.; $50-$500. (310) 285-1411; www.comedytothemax.com.
MONDAY, November 10
You get maximum celebrities for your dollar at Acts of Love: Miracle Workers, an evening of readings and musical performances benefiting Autism Speaks, which features — stay with me — Bill Pullman, Joe Mantegna, Zach Quinto, Gary Dourdan, Adrian Pasdar, Peri Gilpin, Camryn Manheim, Keith David, Charlayne Woodard and Amy Madigan, plus loads more. Nita Whitaker, Amy Keys, David and the cast members from HBO’s 2008 Emmy Award–winning Autism: The Musical will sing; a piece by Temple Grandin, one of the leading speakers on autism, will be read.* Warning: May not be funny, but it will be moving and inspiring. Geffen Playhouse, 10886 Le Conte Ave., Wstwd.; Mon., Nov. 10, 6:30 p.m.; $150, includes after-party; $250-$1,000 for other fancy stuff. www.autismspeaks.org/actsoflove.
TUESDAY, November 11
What is the Clyde Comedy Festival? A chance to see touring headliners in an intimate setting, that’s what. The inaugural event boasts Maz Jobrani (Tues., Nov. 11), Dean Edwards (Fri., Nov. 14), Kevin Nealon (Sat., Nov. 15). Stayed tuned for Live Nude Comedy with Carmen Electra, a raucous and sexy combination of live burlesque and hilarious standup comedy (Sun., Nov. 16). El Portal Theater, 5269 Lankershim Blvd., N. Hlywd.; Nov. 11-16; $20. www.clydetv.com.
WEDNESDAY, November 12
Best Way to Remember All Those Hilarious Thanksgiving Moments With Your Family You Never Had: The Paley Center for Media’s Home for Thanksgiving series kicks off today. Turkey Day–themed episodes of such classics as M*A*S*H, Will & Grace, Northern Exposure, The Bob Newhart Show, The Love Boat, The Waltons, Roseanne and A Charlie Brown Christmas should mash your potato and warm your drumstick. The Paley Center for Media, 465 N. Beverly Dr., Beverly Hills; Wed.-Sun.; thru Nov. 30; 12:15 p.m.; free. (310) 786-1091.
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THURSDAY, November 13
The world needs more comedy, but where will tomorrow’s screenplays for the next Caddyshack or Animal House come from? Haven’t we all had the original idea for every Judd Apatow comedy that’s made trillions at the box office? It’s time to put up or shut up at the 2008 Screenwriting Expo. Over five days, you can pick the creative and wealthy brains of Oscar winner William Goldman (Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid), Nancy Meyers (Private Benjamin), Marshall Herskovitz (Traffic) and Richard Price (The Color of Money); choose from 150 classes and witness schmoozing equal to a decade of breakfasts at Hugo’s. Los Angeles Convention Center, 1201 S. Figueroa St., dwntwn,; Wed.-Sun., Nov. 12-16; $144.95; screenwritingexpo.com.
*Correction made to this item on Nov. 6.