|Illustration by Ryan Ward|
Halfway into last Sunday nights episode of ABCs campy Desperate Housewives which had the trained ecstatics at Entertainment Weekly crying Hosanna! before the second episode even aired Teri Hatchers character, Susan, made a catty joke about her trampy rival, Edie, to the local busybody. Oh, Susan, Mrs. Huber replied with cheery malice, Edie may be trash, but shes still a human being.
I tried telling myself the same thing about George W. Bush and Dick Cheney during the first three televised debates, in which they set a record for peevy-faced snappishness. Normally, I relish watching presidential candidates go head-to-head, even though you generally get a more sophisticated level of argument on the Best Damn Sports Show Period. But this year, because I care deeply who wins, the debates are sheer torture like the endless two minutes when John Kerry tried to placate a tremulous blond pro-lifer who wouldnt vote for him if he promised to legalize the adoption of stem cells. I havent been this agonized watching TV since I was a little kid and had to flee the room for fear that Lassie wouldnt show up in time to save Timmy.
Kerry supporters arent the only ones turning into a menagerie of twitches. Some of the most nervous post-debate commentary has come on Fox News, whose analysts (aside from Learjet diva Sean Hannity) have viewed the Republican tickets performance with all the equanimity of Dodger fans appraising the teams starting pitchers. William Kristol and Brit Hume were clearly aghast at the presidents stunning inability to defend the Iraq war (while praising his own moral certainty in launching it) and distressed by Bushs and Cheneys aggressively charmless body language, all grimaces, wringing hands and apelike hunching, which made even the scary-tan Kerry seem as debonair as Cary . . . make that Hugh . . . Grant.
In dissecting the debates, Fox has proved far shrewder than the fair-and-balanced squads at CNN, whose hedging liberal commentators make Kerry look as blunt as a cudgel, and out there on MSNBC, that small, nearly invisible planet where Joe Scarborough has his own country and front man Chris Matthews keeps imploding from his own hollow enthusiasm. While most of America was bored into a coma by Cheneys debate with Edwards, Matthews panel of pundits (with the honorable exception of Ron Reagan) rushed to declare the vice president a knockout winner, oohing and aahing over his authoritative presence, chiding the yapping Edwards inexperience, and trying to predict which of Cheneys magisterial putdowns would make historys show-reel. They were blissfully unaware that, back here on Earth, Edwards was thought to have earned at least a tie, if not an outright victory, and Cheneys supposedly devastating gibe about never having met his opponent before that nights debate would promptly be exposed as a rhetorical flourish, er, lie. Roll tape, Brian Williams!
TicketsFri., Mar. 3, 7:00pm
Anaheim Ducks v. Toronto Maple Leafs
TicketsFri., Mar. 3, 7:00pm
Los Angeles Lakers v Boston Celtics - Verified Resale Tickets
TicketsFri., Mar. 3, 7:30pm
UCLA Bruins Men's Baseball vs. University of San Diego Toreros Baseball
TicketsSat., Mar. 4, 2:00pm
As usual, MSNBCs post-debate analysis revealed nothing about the event in question but spoke eloquently about its commentators values. The scary truth is not that this ship of fools is manned by clandestine right-wingers (indeed, Scarborough flaunts his red neck as if it were filet mignon), but that Matthews and reporter Andrea Mitchell are depressing exemplars of the professional ethos of those whove spent too long inside the Beltway. Where most of America rightly recoils from guys like Cheney a run-to-fat version of The Simpsons Mr. Burns this mean, paternalistic macher fills pundits with awe. (To be sure, Andreas well-trained: She shares her marital bed with Alan Greenspan.) Bedazzled by the vice presidents hushed tones and bureaucratic machinations, they view him with the cowed reverence Hollywood types once showed industry puppet master Lew Wasserman. Me, I wonder how anyone can be so wowed by the experience of a man who had two separate cracks at Iraq a dozen years apart and managed to get it wrong both times.
Then again, these are days when unreality has become so brazen Sinclair Broadcasting is forcing 62 stations to show an anti-Kerry documentary, Stolen Honor, days before the election you may wonder if youre being driven mad by some ghastly political version of Gaslight. Faced with the crushing Duelfer Report, which concluded definitively that Saddam did not have WMDs (and hadnt had them for several years before the invasion), President Bush insisted this proved he was correct to invade Iraq, The New York Times faux-moderate columnist David Brooks claimed that the war saved us from now living in [Saddams] nightmare, and CNNs sheep in Wolfs clothing grilled Edwards about whether Duelfers conclusions didnt show that Saddam was a threat even though the report proved precisely the opposite.
In last Friday nights debate, Kerry dubbed the Bush administrations environmental policies Orwellian. This weary allusion probably didnt win him a single vote though cant you just picture Dennis Miller beaming with pride at knowing the ending of Animal Farm? but I understand why he used it. After all, its one thing to bend the facts during a campaign. Hell, Kerrys doing that himself when he says the Iraq war has already cost $200 billion (itll actually take a few more months to get there). But its another thing to campaign like Bushs Lone Star doublethinkers who snap facts like twigs, then use them as kindling to barbecue their opponents as the clock strikes 13.
Although his man may still be ahead, you can smell the strong scent of desperation in Karl Roves campaign strategy as we head toward the final fortnight. Not content to slur the Democratic nominees war record and call him a flip-flopper (when he is, more accurately, a weasel), the president has begun blasting his health plan as a government takeover (alas, it is not) and claiming in a new attack ad that Kerry believes terrorism to be just like prostitution or gambling a straw man so bogus that even knock-kneed Aaron Brown torched it the other night. In fact, what Kerry actually said was perfectly sensible: We have to get back to the place we were, where terrorists are not the focus of our lives, but theyre a nuisance. I know were never going to end prostitution. Were never going to end illegal gambling. But were going to reduce it . . . to a level where it isnt on the rise. It isnt threatening peoples lives every day, and fundamentally, its something that you continue to fight, but its not threatening the fabric of your life. Such sober words are far more reassuring than his Nixonian bull about having a plan for Iraq.
As if the presidents dishonest election rhetoric werent bad enough, he keeps shifting our nations policies to make the situation favor his re-election. On October 11, the Los Angeles Times broke the front-page story that the administration plans to delay its inevitably bloody takeover of rebel-held cities in the Sunni Triangle until after November 2. This decision should surprise only the slow learners. As William Langewiesche notes in a superb article in the current Atlantic Monthly (Welcome to the Green Zone: The American Bubble in Baghdad), the timetable of events in Iraq was sped up and skewed to fit the presidents electoral calendar the political version of duck and cover. I guess this is what Bush calls staying the course.
Meanwhile, back home, his people have been turning up the pressure on the media to stop dwelling on the negative in Iraq. Of course, given the invertebrate nature of so many editors and network executives, such pressure is largely superfluous:
I wish I had a dollar for every time an editor told me to find a positive story in Iraq, I was told by a photographer recently returned to the States after shooting the occupation for big weekly magazines. They always want something upbeat. The last time, the editor said to me, Were building lots of schools in Iraq. Go shoot some photos of kids in a school. So I went out looking for the shots he wanted. It took forever. I went to five different schools, and they were all these crumbling, terrible buildings. Finally, I found a brand-new school wed built. It was brand-new, beautiful. Trouble was, there werent any children in it. The day before, the building across the street had blown up, so now nobody wanted to come to the school. She sighed. Things there are much, much worse than people realize.
At least until November 3.
Bookend: Flying home from the Midwest last weekend, I spent a merry two hours reading The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir. (What can I say? I was in an airport bookstore.) It was written by former Balanchine ballerina Toni Bentley, who could teach ABCs desperate housewives a thing or two about desperation. Genuinely daring in its self-exposure, stabs at philosophy and downright silliness, both witting and un-, her book is surely the greatest hymn to the transcendent powers of sodomy since the Marquis de Sade (or at least the original Devil in Miss Jones).
Early on, Bentley tells us, I came to know God experientially, from being fucked in the ass over and over and over again. If you didnt know better, you would swear you were reading the latest pro-Bush speech by onetime liberal Ron Silver.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Los Angeles, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.