We know you were waiting for it -- your official Four Loko gift guide.
Quick warning: Buying everyone in your family Loko-related items this Christmas would be a frighteningly obsessive thing to do. But if you don't mind playing the freak -- and wait, who are they to talk, anyway -- we can almost guarantee that any warm-blooded American on your list would deep-down appreciate holiday thoughtfulness this kitschy.
Your lucky-ass loved ones will have never felt so relevant.
Let's start with Mom:
Adorable little Four Loko earrings. The maker seems to have done a stunning job, actually; the clashing fonts are recreated impeccably, and each heart-melting Thumbelina can is accented by a classy silver bead on the wire above it. We could just eat them up!
Fat Uncle Vinnie from Philadelphia: A $35 plate at Adsum restaurant's exquisite three-course Loko tasting in the PA. Don't even throw in another seat for a date; it's so much better if he has to go alone. (Good to know some people -- namely, the restaurant's devoted chef, Matt Levin -- know Loko should be savored, not chugged in under eight seconds. In fact, if everyone was like Levin, the FDA probably never would have gotten up in our business in the first place.)
Your angsty teenage cousin in the ironic T-shirt: One of a dozen hideous Loko-related prints at Zazzle.com. For a few seconds of lighthearted, pop-cultured chuckle, go for safe slogans like "Livin La Vida LOKO" or "4 Loko Made Me Do It!". (If his irony veers hipster, try this eBay take on "Four Loko Made Me Do It." Far freakier, with a retro look and rad Halloween lettering.) If you really want to go all out, though, say to hell with it and get him "You can have my Four Loko when you pry it from my cold dead fingers." Jesus.
Sporty Aunt Sue: A bicycle painted in homage to watermelon flavor, which everybody knows is the best flavor by far. There is something irresistibly exotic about the hard-to-find Blue Raspberry, but its sensual midnight hues would be hard to see in the bike lane after dark.
Your innocent little sister, who -- thanks to the ban -- will never know the joys of being able to get hyphy, smashed and clinically insane all at the same time, on a budget of pocket lint: A no-frills 12-pack of Fruit Punch Loko, straight off the black market. The price may be steep, but it's only going up from here, and anyway, you wouldn't really want to be related to someone with whom you couldn't exchange embarrassing Loko stories about waking up in someone else's bathroom wearing only a used condom at future holiday parties, would you?
The Midlife Crisis at the head of the dinner table: Four Loko slip covers, so he can pretend he's as hip as your little sister, while not hallucinating he's inside a horror movie and nearly dying from a heart attack.
Yourself: The New Year's resolution of never thinking about, talking about and most of all never consuming a tall, crisp 24-ouncer of alcoholic energy drink, ever again. It's time to let our babies go without a fight, and instead remember them for how they were at the peak of their glorious accessibility.
Rest assured -- we will be following our own advice. Until then, though, might as well do some last-minute reminiscing:
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Day Three: Life After Four Loko, Or, Brew It Yourself!