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Countdown To The End, Day Four: 'Yale Health Chief' Sends Students FDA-Approved Loko E-Mail

It's an especially crazy day in the countdown to the end of the Four Loko era: It's Day Four, which calls for something really special.

How about this awesome prank e-mail sent out a couple days ago by an anonymous Zuckerberg type who somehow got a hold of an all-student listserv [re-posted on IvyGate].

The sender is supposedly Yale Student Health Chief James M. Perlotto, and the occasion is Connecticut's official ban date (today!) for the caffeinated alcopop killer.

It seems like a pretty legit student-health notice, until you get to the list of Loko statistics. Here, the letter in its entirety:

Dear Yale College Student,

As you are likely aware, this Friday, December 10th marks the date Connecticut will end sale of caffeinated alcoholic beverages like Four Loko. These beverages pose serious, unknown health risks, and we urge students not to throw Four Loko commemoration events, remembrance parties, or blackout memorial services. Since it is reading period, and students seem to have developed an attachment to these unsafe beverages, we thought it would be helpful to provide some of the new FDA research on alcohol-laced energy drinks. It is our hope that students continue to make educated, healthy decisions through Friday.

  • 1280 million people have already died from Four Loko.
  • With each can of Four Loko you drink, you take 25 years off your life.
  • Drinking four cans of Four Loko is really like drinking eight cans.
  • 4 out of 5 people in an insane asylum were committed because of Four Loko induced madness.
  • In the time it takes you to brush your teeth, three children have died from Four Loko.
  • One can of Four Loko will power a car for thirty miles; this is considered drunk driving.
  • If you drink a watermelon-flavored Four Loko, a watermelon will grow in your stomach.
  • Four Loko is the number one contributor to climate change.
  • 5 out of 4 inner city children were raised by a Four Loko.
  • The number of lokos per Loko has doubled from two to four in the last decade.

The Four Loko culture on campus has been upsetting to us at the Yale Health Center. In particular, we are deeply disturbed that a student group would sell these pro-Loko t-shirts. To the Yale community: do not buy these t-shirts. If you are in Bass Cafe between noon and 4:00 today, do not buy them. It is distressing that students would create something so hilarious about a topic so grave. So please, consider the safety risks, and do not buy these shirts. Do not buy them for ten dollars.

Sincerely,

James M. Perlotto, M.D.

Chief of Student Health and Chief of Athletic Medicine, Yale Health Center

Associate Clinical Professor of Medicine, Yale School of Medicine

Pretty good, right? We're getting really, really sick of Loko jokes, but the whole FDA angle of this one makes it almost novel. Like, 5 out of 4 inner city children were raised by a Four Loko? We couldn't have said it better ourselves.

To the spammer in question: You have softened our go-to judgment of Yale people as preppy douchebags who call "Borat" imitations a sense of humor. Or -- if this, by some radical fluke, actually was written by Perlotto -- that's it. We're sending our children to Yale.

In case you missed them...

Day Seven: Beverly Hills Craigslister Charges $70 For 12-Pack Of Four Loko

Day Six: Disguise Your Pussy Iced-Tea Can With Four Loko Slip Cover

Day Five: Video Suggests You Drink Four Loko 'Responsibly' By Making A 'Four-Mosa' -- Missing The Point Entirely


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