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Charlie Sheen Invents 2-Week Rehab Program, Says He's Ready For Work On 'Two and a Half Men'

Slam rehab for Sheen.

Slam rehab for Sheen.

Sorry Dr. Drew, but Charlie Sheen has discovered the secret to condensed rehabilitation. You might say it's not possible, but just listen to the actor talk:

"They said get your act together and I did. ... Check it, it's like I heal really quickly. But I unravel pretty quickly," he told DirecTV's Dan Patrick Show this week.

Following a 36-hour, reported coke-and-hooker bender in late January, Sheen says he has recovered. Here are the new steps to rapid sobriety:

1. - Admit you are powerless over porn stars.

2. - Believe that a paycheck greater than us can restore us to (temporary) sanity. (In this case, we're talking about Sheen's Two and a Half Men TV gig).

3. - Turn your life over to your agent.

4. - Make an inventory. Make sure no porn stars have stolen any more six-figure watches.

5. - Admit you spent too much on hookers.

6 . - Be ready to have the maid scrub the house.

7. - 12. - Blah, blah, blah. Remember, this is the condensed version.

Sheen wants to get back to work on Two and a Half Men. He even showed up on set. No one was there. (Maybe they think he needs more time).

You can tell Sheen is really ready after his hooker-thon. He told Patrick his advice for others is this:

"Stay away from the crack ... Unless you can manage it socially."

He really said that.