Updated after the jump: Might Charlie's stomach pains have had something to do with a TMZ-touted "briefcase of cocaine"? Or did he just... wait for it... laugh too hard?
Not sure why we care, but Charlie Sheen's been in the emergency room at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center all morning, suffering from what his his publicist calls "severe abdominal pains.''
Let's see, what could it be from... Four Loko bong? S&M whip to the midriff? Deep intestinal self-loathing? Uh... appendix?
Whatever. What we do know, via TMZ via Sheen's snitchy neighbors, is that the walking midlife crisis was throwing one of those out-of-control all-nighters that are known to "look like porn star auditions" (perhaps the reason neighbors were bitter enough to phone TMZ), and that the festivities lasted 'til early morn at his Sherman Oaks mansion. 7 a.m., to be exact. The TMZ follow-up report:
Charlie Sheen was in the middle of a marathon "party" last night and this morning with 5 women before something went so wrong, he ended up on a stretcher in an ambulance. ...
Someone who saw Charlie earlier in the evening tells us he was fine. But things changed dramatically as the evening wore on. We're told the party inside was "wild."
TMZ has been told by the hospital that Sheen's problem was "serious," and noted earlier that he was sleeping next to parents Martin Sheen and Janet Templeton in the ER waiting room.
Then again, it could just be a kidney stone, and we're all being assholes.
Update: Frenzied tabloids and celebrity bloggers are latching on to one of two explanations for Sheen's hospital trip -- both from, as usual, anonymous sources.
An alleged attendee of the party to end all parties tells TMZ about a designer briefcase filled with bricks of cocaine, hand-delivered to his home during "the 36-hour bender that landed him in the hospital." And let's just say he wasn't afraid to break 'em open and line 'em up:
We're told Sheen had several people inside his home during the 36-hour span that started Tuesday night -- including 2 porn stars, a business associate, and several other women. ...
We're told Sheen immediately began doing the drug for several hours.
One of said porn stars is thought to have been 22-year-old Kacey Jordan (have the industry girls learned nothing from Capri Anderson's locked-in-a-closet New York nightmare?), who reportedly showed up Tuesday night and didn't leave until Wednesday afternoon. Jesus. They do share a love of the bottle, via @misskaceyjordan:
And Sheen has been known to bestow gifts upon his porn-ettes of choice:
Then there's the much less exciting E! Entertainment/major news network report, which claims a source next to Sheen's hospital bed has told them the real story: The notorious playboy made a hernia injury worse by, erm, having too much fun.
A Sheen pal told Extra, meanwhile, that the Two and a Half Men star aggravated a hernia injury by...wait for it...laughing too hard on set, and a source says Sheen's first words from his hospital bed were, "I'm not dying."
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!
Just to put it out there, cocaine has been known to cause stomach problems. From BBC News: "Stomach symptoms seen in cocaine users include abdominal pain and tenderness, nausea, vomiting, nausea and bloody diarrhoea. These can occur up to 48 hours after taking the drug." And Sheen's recurring "hiatal hernia" is something that can be caused by cocaine use, according to iHealth (yes, we're totally Web MDing this shit).
Hey, maybe it's a little of both. Maybe Sheen snorts while he laughs.
Originally posted at 12:45 p.m.