I wish they all could be California penises, sung no one ever.
To prove it, the condom retailer Condomania has tallied orders from customers spanning two years. That's tens of thousands of Jim Hat sales, the site says.
Then it ranked America's states by the condom sizes their residents purchased. California is the largest state in the union! ( ... if you measure it by population).
But unfortunately the mighty Golden State, the center of our universe, came in a puny 15th when it comes to penis size, according to Condomania's ranking, released this week.
What's even stranger about this state-vs.-state sword fight is that North Dakota topped the list.
Yes, the place you fly over as you're renewing your mile-high-club credentials just out-measured you. Bummer.
Must be the wide open country and cowboy culture. But wait: It's called the Peace Garden State. Yeah. As in the Garden of Eden?
Anyway, Rhode Island came next, so to speak, then South Dakota. Here's the whole list, from magnum to peewee:
District of Columbia
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Condomania says it looked at the purchases from each state, including ...
... Lifestyles Snugger Fit condoms and the Iron Gripper Snugger Fit condoms, and larger sized condoms such as the popular Trojan Magnum condoms and the Lifestyles Skyn Large condoms.
So California guys, you have your work cut out for you. Go big. Or at least order the largest size you can next time. Even if they don't fit. Take one for the team.