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Burbank Kids Bribed Into Caring About College With Reenactment Of USC-UCLA Rivalry

Hey kids! Did you know that UCLA is one of the top public universities in the country, with stellar undergraduate opportunities in the social sciences and a prestigious faculty that includes three professors elected to the National Academy of Sciences this year?

Eh. What's a Sciences.

Hey kids! WHADYA SAY WE RIP A TROJAN'S THROAT OUT AND FEED IT TO HIS ANCESTORS TONIGHT???

YeeeeeeeeHAW! Bring on the learning, trust-fund mothersuckers!

William McKinley Elementary School, located in Burbank, knows good and well how to plant the college bug in its distracted youth: with some smack-talking and skull-crushing on the big-boy football field. The Burbank Leader describes the bizarre scene:

"Students were encouraged to wear USC and UCLA colors, and they responded by donning T-shirts, jerseys and headbands to make their loyalties known. At recess, the respective fans competed against one another in a football relay race, chanting taunts at one another in classic rivalry fashion."

We're hoping the spirited children didn't happen catch the evening news, where they would have learned that USC and UCLA fans are actually fucking insane, and would probably kill each other given the chance. Who's up for a pre-game cafeteria spork fight?

Rivalry Day is the brainchild of one particularly involved mother, who thinks the twisted, testosterone-fueled mini-war will inspire kids:

"The main point is to inspire them to think about what they want to do in their future," said Suzanne Weerts, a McKinley mother and the founder of Rivalry Day. "And some people go to a college because of college sports."

Some people also go to college for the babes in booty shorts. Date Rape Day, here we come!

Even more amusingly, a group of 10- and 11-year-olds were taken on a tour of the UCLA campus the day USC terrorists poured red dye (bearing a creepy resemblance to spilled blood) into the fountain as a pre-championship flex of muscle. Nothing like some crazed vandalism to imprint the developing minds of tomorrow.

What do you think? Should the Trojans vs. Bruins battle be taken to the playground? Or should we just let the poor kids get back to blowing metaphorical brains out with "Call of Duty" already?

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