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Bike Traffic: Santa Monica Lifeguards Declare 'SigAlert' After Bike Path Gets 'Worse Than 405' on Fourth of July

Hilarious L.A. oxymoron o' the day: bike traffic!

L.A. County lifeguards, bless their hearts, were faced with said phenomenon while regulating a packed Santa Monica coastline this Fourth of July. Forget Carmageddon, people -- we just survived the Bike-ocalypse.

Apparently, a few thousand jolly Angelenos all got the (same exact) bright idea to take a nice breezy bike ride by the bay on their 78-degree day off. The priceless, all-American result, via City News Service:

Los Angeles County lifeguards declared a SigAlert on the entire beachfront bike path along the Santa Monica Bay Monday, which they said was worse than the San Diego (405) Freeway as bikes moved at 2 miles per hour.

Jesus. If anyone has video -- please. The world needs to witness.

"The bike path is packed with people," Lifeguard Captain Angus Alexander told City News. "It's like the 405 Freeway at the beach -- bumper to bumper."

We hope this doesn't foreshadow the fate of 1,680 miles in new bike lanes the L.A. City Council has promised to build by 2020, but you have to admit, it's kind of a funny thought.

Indeed, in any other situation, drivers passing by on Ocean Avenue yesterday might have gotten some small bitter satisfaction from watching L.A.'s holier-than-thou traffic solutionists become entangled in their own gangly, open-air version of rush hour. But according to Alexander, the Independence Day car situation was equally nightmarish, "with vehicles ... waiting in line, hoping to find an empty parking spot."

In total, 800,000 revelers flocked to the county coastline to rub shoulders with their fellow patriots in the ocean bathwater yesterday.

As in, like, almost a million people.

Yet as awful as that sounds, we really wish we'd been there -- if only for one glimpse of Bike-ocalypse. Video. Please. We beg.

[@simone_electra/swilson@laweekly.com]