Los Angeles might be the adult video capital of the world (as Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa might say), but when it comes to penis size, the city doesn't quite measure up. The chain store and prophylactic-maker Condomania states that it analyzed its sales of different sizes (there are 76 of them) of its TheyFit condoms to come up with America's "biggest" cities.
L.A. came in 17th and was, er, slapped by number-one New Orleans, Washington, D.C. (2), San Diego (3), New York (4) and Phoenix (5). California as a whole came in twelfth place, behind number one New Hampshire, Oregon (2), New York (3), Indiana (4), and Arizona (5). And they say we're the biggest state in the union. This is hard to swallow.
Don't they know some of the biggest tools are right here in Angel city? Arnold Schwarzenegger lives here. So does LA Live boss Tim Leiweke. The marketer of Ed Hardy, Christian Audigier, is here for criminy. Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis is a sometime Angeleno. He's big, right? (Well, maybe he's more of a douche). We have enough dicks to start a massive private detective agency.
But seriously: We have a theory here at LA Weekly world headquarters. L.A. men, especially the "big" ones, don't wear condoms quite as often as they should. If you've been following our coverage you know that the AIDS Healthcare Foundation has even sued the L.A. county Department of Public Health to make it force condoms on the porn industry.
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And if you've ever seen our biggest team players on video (and we're not saying we have), you'd notice one thing: No condoms. See? That explains it.
Of course, our backup argument is to claim L.A.'s roots are from (number three) San Diego anyway: When the Spanish missionaries marched north through California, helping to establish El Pueblo de Nuestra la Reina de Los Angeles along way, they started in San Diego first.
Gosh, that's going a long way to explain a big problem, huh? We just can't get our mind around it. Okay, we'll just admit it. We're small.
(Spotted at LAist).