An Open Letter to Hetero Men: How To Fuck A Woman
Lately, I've been hearing a lot of complaints from women about how their men fuck. I don't want to give anyone a complex or anything, but guys, come on. It's time to step it up. Your women could be more satisfied! And that's what you want, right?
I thought so. In that vein, here are a few handy tips for boning a lady, and having her like it. Repeatedly. So you can bone her again.
When we say "don't stop!" we mean "don't stop!".
There seems to be a misconception out there among the male community that when a woman hollers "don't stop!" in the middle of lovemaking, she means "go faster!" or "flip me over!" or "start doing something totally different!"
Los Angeles Angels vs. Houston Astros
TicketsFri., Aug. 25, 7:07pm
Los Angeles Rams vs. Los Angeles Chargers
TicketsSat., Aug. 26, 5:00pm
Premium Seating: Los Angeles Angels v. Oakland Athletics
TicketsMon., Aug. 28, 7:07pm
Los Angeles Angels vs. Oakland Athletics
TicketsMon., Aug. 28, 7:07pm
UCLA Bruins Football Season Ticket Deposit
TicketsSun., Sep. 3, 4:30pm
Gentlemen, you're so literal most of the time. Why can't you be literal in this moment? When a woman says "don't stop!" she means that you should keep doing exactly what you're doing at exactly the speed you're doing it because she is about to come. So. Don't be a hero. Just don't stop.
Sometimes we just want to get fucked missionary style
You'd be amazed by how many women, when pressed, state that their favorite position is missionary. Yes, we've all read enough Cosmo to guilt us into feeling like our favorite position should involve some manner of acrobatics. But in truth, sometimes we just want to lie on our backs and get fucked. Kindly do that.
We don't actually like having our legs pushed into split positions as much as you like it
You know when you grab us by the ankles and spread our legs as far as they can go? Yeah, here's the thing. If I'm getting an inner thigh stretch, it's unlikely that I'm also going to come. The two are kind of mutually exclusive; one is for Cardio Barre, which is an aerobics class that I incidentally hate, and the other is for having sex, which is a pastime that I incidentally love.
I don't need to be worked out during sex. I don't need you to ensure that my various muscle groups are nice and warmed up. Just leave my legs the fuck alone every now and then and do the sex thing that you're so good at. I'll stretch later. I promise.
Foreplay. No seriously; foreplay
We know that every men's and women's magazine out there has inundated you with the idea that women love foreplay. It's so redundant at this point it's become a joke on stupid sitcoms like "Everybody Loves Raymond." But here's the thing: it's not a joke. OK? Foreplay is not a joke. We love it. We want to be caressed and teased and petted and loved on until we can't stand it any longer.
And guess what the benefit to you is at that point? We will let you do whatever the fuck you want to us is you do foreplay right. Hear that? Foreplay=everybody wins.
Follow these simple rules, friends, and you will have a happy lady on your hands. And here's a final tip: if you don't know what she wants you to do, ask her. Always ask. Because she will very likely tell.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter Our daily newsletter delivers quick clicks to keep you in the know
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Los Angeles, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.