Amazing Rants Overheard in LA: He Ain't Sexing No Chickens
Ranter: A firm believer in society's proscribed gender roles, aged 50 or so and wearing a straw hat
Location: Bus stop, Vermont and Pico
Time: Lunchtime on a Wednesday
Topics Covered: What you see in Hollywood vs. what you might see in South Los Angeles; failures of perception among guests on Jerry Springer; the size of men's hands; the ease with which ranter can determine gender; the possibility of making a career out of gender determinations.
Does Rant Include Advice on Whom You Should Not Fuck With: No, but it does offer some unfortunate suggestions for the transgendered.
[A transvestite crosses to the other side of the street, prompting Firm Believer to air these thoughts to strangers waiting for a bus.]
Firm Believer: That was some Jerry Springer shit! That wasn't no woman, that was a motherfucking man! This ain't Hollywood! You don't see that down here!
What I don't get is those motherfuckers on Jerry Springer who don't know it's a man. Even when they get on the show! It's like, 'She has a secret to tell you' and they still ain't figured it out! You been together six months, and you ain't seen her hands? You didn't notice your little honey could palm a goddamn basketball?
I could tell you in five seconds -- and that's on the street! These motherfuckers can't tell up in the dark! Why ain't they going, 'Damn, woman, where's your hole? There ain't no pussy there!
Six months. Shit. I could tell you in five seconds, flat. I think it ain't her with a secret. It's the guy. He just won't admit he don't like having the pussy around.
[Firm Believer stops, suddenly, and stares into the face of the reporter who is scribbling all this down. Firm Believer waits for a response.]
Reporter: In poultry factories, that's a job. Chicken sexer. Someone has to check each chick and separate them into girls and boys.
Firm Believer: Fuck that! I ain't sexing no motherfuckers! If there's even a chance there ain't no pussy, keep it out of my way!
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss LA Weekly's biggest stories.