5 Songs That Will Never Get You Laid
I doubt this will work.
Congratulations! You got your conquest to your bedroom! He or she is practically a done deal. All you need to do is pour a glass of wine/ whisky/ redbull and vodka and get them there clothes off!
Oh, and set the mood. You have to pick the perfect music to bone to.
Sure you can hit that Barry White CD. Or Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love" will probably get you a whole lotta ass.
But just in case you're wonderin'...
Here are 5 songs that will for sure debone any dick and dry up any vag. Consider yourself warned:
AQUA: "Barbie Girl" - For reals. If you or your fuck buddy can even stand this nails-on-a-chalkboard ditty whilst doin' it, you need therapy. And a reality show. And I'm watching. With a bowl of popcorn.
SARAH MCLACHLAN: : "Angel" - I used to like this song, but now every time I hear it I see dying puppies thanks to Sarah's Humane Society commercials. Don't get me wrong, I know she means well. But this song totally makes me wanna hang myself and maybe not wanna blow some guy. Sorry.
ANYTHING BY ENYA. OR THE CAST OF GLEE: Seriously? Do you really need an explanation? As my father would say, "I'm not mad...I'm just...disappointed."
PAUL ANKA: "Having My Baby" - Man, I defy you to have a one night stand to the possibility that you may or may not be makin' a baby. No seriously. Have at it, young lovers. Free love the shit out of it.
and the numero uno... (and really there are too many buzz killers to count)
ERIC CLAPTON: "Tears in Heaven" - Ahhh, who doesn't like rammin' to a father mourning the death of his young son? Boners galore!
There are hundreds of more songs to NOT fuck to. What are they? Please share. Especially if you learned the hard way.
Follow Lora on Twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/LoraSomoza
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you'll never miss LA Weekly's biggest stories.