5 Sex Positions That Can't Possibly Be Enjoyable

This should be interesting..
This should be interesting..

If you've ever watched porn, you've probably gazed with a sense of perplexed wonder at the crazy entanglements the performers manage to get themselves into (and out of). If you're like us, you may have even tried a few with mixed results. The point is always to experiment; however, in many cases some sex positions are not only uncomfortable and decidedly not sexy, they can be borderline dangerous as well. Here are a few we definitely advise against if you aren't a world class pair of gymnasts...

1. Reverse Cowgirl

Description: The male either lays on his back or sits in a semi upright position. The female mounts him with her back turned, supporting herself with her arms and using her pelvis to control thrusting in an up and downward motion.

Why You Should Avoid It: This porn film staple can be hot - for about 5 seconds. The reason almost every adult film utilizes this position is simple - it's easy to shoot and gives an the most flattering, full-frontal view of the female's body (as well as penetration). In practice, though, Reverse Cowgirl is tough on both participants. The female has to hold herself into position with her arms, causing strain, while the male bears her full weight on his abdominal area. Add to this the compression of her rear while engaged and you can present a most unflattering view of your ass in the process!

2. 69

Description: Simply put, the male and female swap directions and orally pleasure each other. Either can be on top or bottom.

Why You Should Avoid It: Performing oral sex simultaneously certainly has its appeal. Aside from being a great way to lubricate both sets of genitalia, 69 can put your bodies together in an intimate way intercourse lacks. Craning and bobbing your heads in this pursuit and keeping things moving can strain strain your necks and backs. We recommend turning sideways or using pillows to prop up your intimate areas to take the pressure off for at least some enjoyment.

3. Back to Front (or anything that bends the penis backwards)

Description: With the male laying on his back, the female mounts his penis facing down and toward his feet, pulling herself forward and backward during penetration.

Why You Should Avoid It: You'll often see this position highlighted in both women and men's magazines for its "advanced" appeal and supposed ability to stimulate the male in ways other positions cannot. Sure, if pain is your pleasure we suppose you might find this exercise in penile torture worth the risk. Once engaged, this position will literally bend the male participant's penis backward and underneath his body. Really?

4. Rock His World

Description: With the male laying on his back, push his legs up into a missionary position, the female then straddles above and lowers herself on to his penis. Then, like doing squats at a gym, she raises and lowers herself to provide penetration motion.

Why You Should Avoid It: This is another penis reversal trick (see back to front, above), with the added bonus of resting her full weight on top of his butt and pushing his pelvis down as if doing yoga. Want to lighten the load? Then engage the thigh muscles and do a set of squats! Never have we seen a position that requires the strength of a bodybuilder quite like this one.

5. Piledriver

Description: The woman is upside down, her legs bent back all the way to the floor (or close), all her weight resting on her shoulders and neck as the man stands above and lowers himself into her. He then mimics the motion of a jackhammer up and down during penetration.

Why You Should Avoid It: Finally, the ultimate porn position to top (and bottom) them all. This twisted position actually combines just about every unpleasure able aspect of sex into one, ruthless sex act. Reverse the penis? Check. Strain every muscle in both partners worse than an advanced pilates class? The pile driver is the porn industry's most cringe-worthy pose. All that said, we can't say we haven't attempted it and, if you just can't resist, we recommend using your couch or loveseat to make things less difficult. Simply support her against the back cushion and gently fold her legs toward the seat cushion, then have him sit on the edge and enter her from the seated position. And keep your chiropractor's number close by...


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