4 Hot (and 2 Not) Super Bowl Halftime Show Madonna Moments
Like a bedazzled, neo-classical virgin
In what is being heralded as the most "controversial" Super Bowl halftime performance since Janet Jackson's boob parade, Madonna took the stage last night in Indianapolis for a 12 minute spectacle of sequins, smoke and pop music that didn't suck as much as we thought it was going to.
Cheesy yes, a blatant advertisement for Madge's upcoming album M.D.N.A., for damn sure, but there were more than a few "Damn, did that just make me horny?" moments -- and one or two that left us wishing we'd watched the Puppy Bowl.
And as if from nowhere...
Sexy Moment: Her Madgesty Appears
The show begins with Madonna appearing like an oracle of Caesar ('s Palace) in a parade of majestically overblown American spectacle and gold
lame lamé. And we'd totally still hit that.
Nice Dress, Man
Los Angeles Clippers v Indiana Pacers - Verified Resale Tickets
TicketsSun., Dec. 4, 6:30pm
Los Angeles Lakers v Utah Jazz - Verified Resale Tickets
TicketsMon., Dec. 5, 7:30pm
Anaheim Ducks v. Carolina Hurricanes
TicketsWed., Dec. 7, 7:30pm
Los Angeles Clippers v Golden State Warriors - Verified Resale Tickets
TicketsWed., Dec. 7, 7:30pm
Sexy Moment: Yeah Tight Rope Guy!
Inner Monologue: "What is this dude with a dirty blonde 'fro doing hovering over the stage in a lady's tennis outfit -- oh holy SHIT look at him go! How that wire doesn't get stuck where the sun don't shine, we don't know (or care) - watching him go wild on that tightrope as Madonna thrusts her geriatric pelvis in Eli Manning's general direction was all we needed.
Honey badger rapper don't give a shit
Sexy Moment: M.I.A. Does Not Give a Shit
Throwing up her middle finger almost immediately after hitting the stage, (a move for which the NBA and the NFC have already duly apologized), M.I.A. appears to be making a mockery of the ridiculousness in which she has found herself in the midst of.
"My record label made me do this," her posturing clearly states, although she looks fierce while pissing off most of middle America.
Money says he was totally naked under that robe.
Sexy Moment: The Church of Cee-Lo
Even Madonna had to get on her knees when the C-man took the show next-level with an assist on 'Like a Prayer' and that baller choir robe.
And somewhere, Lourdes turns away from the TV and vomits
Not Sexy (And I know It): LMFAO
Inner thighs flex around obnoxiousness while upper torso and limbs wiggle to the beat (sort of). 'Nuf said.
We don't buy it.
Where's the Heat?: The last time Madonna was flanked by a duo of high-profile pop starlets (Britney/Christina at MTV VMAs 2003) the performance included mad sexual tension and the famed Britney + Madonna lip lock that inspires wet dream to this day.
Madonna, Nicki Minaj and M.I.A., however, had the chemistry of a gaggle of freshman girls gossiping about boys while picking their braces during study hall.
Follow @AfterDarkLA on Twitter.
Get the ICYMI: Today's Top Stories Newsletter
Catch up on the day's news and stay informed with our daily digest of the most popular news, music, food and arts stories in Los Angeles, delivered to your inbox Monday through Friday.