3 Happy Endings for 2005 News Stories
The Valerie Plame Affair
When Judith Miller was released, she proudly walked onto the Senate floor and said, “Gentleman, may I present my source, the magical psychic unicorn Corinne Jones?”
The unicorn turned to the committee and said, “I have been the source of the leak all along. The name Valerie Plame came to me in one of my psychic visions. I apologize for all the trouble I’ve caused, but rest assured that your government is as honest as the day is long. I’d like to make it up to the American people by using my magical powers to make everyone billionaires who live in houses made of candy.”
The Terri Schiavo Incident
Just as the doctors were about to disconnect Terri from her feeding tube, Terri sat up and said, quite clearly, “Stop! I’m fine!”
The doctors, amazed, looked at each other. Finally one shrugged and said what everyone was thinking: “Call the Republicans and tell them they’re right. Science isn’t real.”
The War in Iraq
Soldiers on patrol in Baghdad found an underground bunker and became hopeful that they may have at last found the WMDs. Instead, they found a working Iraqi time machine. When President Bush heard of the discovery, he realized what he had to do and immediately flew to Baghdad.
“The great thing about being human,” Bush said to the assembled troops with a tear in his eye, “is that you can admit to yourself that you’ve made a mistake and, Lord willing, you can do something about it.” Bush stepped into the time machine. “Set the dial for March 20th, 2003!”
When Bush arrived in the past on the day he ordered the invasion of Iraq to begin, he snapped into action. “Now I can right my wrongs,” he declared while waiting in line to see Boat Trip starring Cuba Gooding Jr. and Horatio Sanz.
“I was way too busy when this came out,” he said. “Finally, I’m gonna see this bad boy on the big screen.”
Get the This Week's Top Stories Newsletter
Every week we collect the latest news, music and arts stories — along with film and food reviews and the best things to do this week — so that you’ll never miss LA Weekly's biggest stories.