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10 Ways To Combat Evil

If you don’t happen to have a 15,000-pound BLU-82 “daisy-cutter,” the world’s largest non-nuclear bomb, here are nine more evildoer-destroyers you might want to try.

1. Go Away Evil. A bargain at $4.50 a can (plus 20 percent free!), the Kitamal-brand aerosol spray enlists los 7 poderes indios to get the job done and keep your home smelling fresh.

2. Exorcism. For severe infestations of evil, the Catholic Church recommends the rite, though to get the process going you’ll need the permission of a bishop. You’ll also need some Oil of Catechumens, one white and one violet stole, baptismal water, a holy chrism, a white linen cloth, a candle, cotton swabs and spittle.

3. Pentagrams. Try drawing a five- cornered star on every door frame and windowsill in your home. Make sure not to draw them upside-down, or you may invite evil in by mistake.

4. Stop Evil Spell Kit. For $100, you can buy #K7004 online, to “be rid of evil forever and feel good again.” Also effective “against neighbors, so-called friends [and] ex-lovers.”

5. Agrimonia Eupatoria. Stuffed in a sachet, the herb commonly called agrimony, cocklebur, garclive or sticklewort protects against evil, and also wards off goblins.

6. Coconuts. One Santería expert recommends buying four coconuts in the name of the god Elegguá, making the sign of the cross over your body with the fruit, breaking them open, and scattering the milk around and in front of your house, then leaving the meat in a dish in front of Elegguá’s image. When the meat has dried, throw it, and three pennies, into the woods.

7. Oil and eggs. If coconuts are not readily available, another expert recommends pouring oil into a white dish, floating five eggs in the oil, sprinkling them with cinnamon, and burning a cotton wick in the oil for five days.

8. Dispel Evil spell. Dungeons & Dragons players have come to rely on the spell, with which level-5 clerics and level-4 paladins can surround themselves with “shimmering, white, holy energy” that gives them a +4 deflection bonus against attacks by evil creatures, and allows them to drive evil creatures back to their home planes and dispel their enchantments.

9. Thumbs up. According to ancient Irish druidical practices, just biting your thumb at the right moment can be enough to expose and defeat evil.


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