1. Secret handshake
2. Annual Thetan Jamboree in Trementina, New Mexico
3. Subterranean passages linking Beck’s house to every Starbucks in the city
4. No one feels it necessary to elect a new Hubbard after the old one’s died.
5. Free airplane rides
6. New members receive secret letter explaining Forest Whitaker’s masochistic involvement in Battlefield Earth.
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7. Faster Internet
8. Sonny Bono, Donny Osmond, Sonny Bono, Donny Osmond
9. Scientology’s climactic moment does not involve destruction of the planet.
10. More Hollywood; fewer politicians