10 L.A. Girls You've Probably Dated
Photo by Nate "Igor" Smith
Los Angeles has the most beautiful women in the world. Period. Sorry New York, je m'excuse Paris, scusa Italia. Call us biased, call us based, call us whatever you will, but we're right on the money. L.A. is the place. The only problem is, these sirens don't come alone. They come packing their baggage -- and it's not light.
We've given you the 10 L.A. guys you've probably dated -- and the 10 L.A. gays, too. And while those are all special breeds, nothing beats the ladies of our sinful city. Chances are you've probably had some history with at least one L.A. Woman from our list, or maybe even all of them. Read on for the 10 women we've all dated.
10. The Name Dropper
Ahhh, really? You saw who again? OMG, I can't believe it, either. The funny thing is, of all the people this chick mentions in casual conversation, not one of them knows her. What does that mean, you ask? It means she's full of ____.
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9. The Celebrity F*cker
She can get you into any club, show or event, only thing is, you better keep her in your line of vision once you get there. That's because she's basically evolved from the name dropper to the panty dropper. When she's backstage, and sees THAT guy, well ... you know what happens. The same thing that turkeys do when they get scared: gobble, gobble.
Turn the page for more L.A. girls you've probably dated, including a few with money problems.
Yes, she's cute -- but does she get your cultural references?
8. The Girl Who's Definitely Too Young For You
So what if you weren't born in the same decade? Who cares that she doesn't get any of your cultural references? Or that you're a professional and she's just starting out at Santa Monica College? Does it really matter? Does it?
7. The Girl Who's Definitely Too Old For You
So what if you weren't born in the same decade? Who cares that she doesn't get any of your cultural references? Are you starting to see the trend here? Leave the cougars in the wild.
6. The Spoiled Daddy's Girl
We all talk about Daddy issues, but it's even worse when Dear Old Dad raised her on summers abroad, Coach and Christian Louboutins. What do you expect? She's been spoiled all the way to her rotten core, with near-instant fulfillment of any and every desire. Which means she's impossible to please, very expensive, and always disappointed in you and your life. Your days are numbered. Unless dear old Dad cuts her off, and she turns into...
5. The Moocher
She's never paid rent in her life -- and she never will. That's because she has you, oh dear dumb knight with a shining credit card. She's been on unemployment for 9 months, and she says she applies to jobs every day, but you're just not sure what the hell she does all day.
What you are 100 percent sure on is that you're not opposed to having a live-in maid who cooks, cleans and doubles as your sex slave. Although it's getting a little old, and expensive. And you kind of feel like Woody Allen because you're basically sleeping with a child. Time to cut her and dive back into calmer waters. Speaking of which...
4. The Fresh Off The Boat
She just got here from Armenia, Ukraine, Korea, Israel, Idaho -- take your pick. It really doesn't matter because the symptoms are all the same: deer in the headlights stare, confusion, fear, idealism. Natural habitats: Glendale, Burbank, West Hollywood (these ones tend to flock inland, perhaps to get away from the maritime stereotype).
She may seem like an interesting, even exotic choice. And you're so open to other cultures, your friends tell you, so accepting. But not so fast, Mr. Progressive. You're beginning to think her accent isn't cute anymore. You're tired of her pressuring you to settle down. You're on to her plan, you think: the real reason this foreign beauty is dating you isn't for what you're packing between your ears or even your hips. She wants that all important slip of paper you were born with: your green card!
Turn the page for more L.A. girls you've probably dated, including The Actress.
If she looks too good to be true, well -- ever considered that she might work in the industry? (And we don't just mean Hollywood.)
3. The Actress
She's outspoken, sincere, does yoga and jogs Runyon Canyon every day. How does she have time for all this, and time to go to work, and time, of course, walk her cute little English bulldog three times a day? Well, she's an actor, of course.
She's been in L.A. for a few years now, and lives on the Eastside or in a loft downtown. She says she's a local, but she's really from middle America where she was prom queen and the star of her high school musical. She's got chops. She's got talent. She's even got an IMDB page and a web series. But she's also broke and spends her days working as a barista.
Or, even worse, she's a big-name actress whom you should avoid like the plague. Because if you're not a celebrity, your ego will be crushed under her Jimmy Choos every time she shares what her day on-set was like.
2. The EHarmony Veteran
Tinder, OKCupid, JDate, Craigslist -- no matter where you go to find your partner, she never looks as good in real life as she does in her profile pic. Plus, this window-shopping experience is the home of professional daters, that narcissistic breed that combs through your online footprint like an FBI profiler -- taking away that special magic of meeting and learning about someone in real life.
And even if you do make it through your partners' unspoken hurdles and are deemed dating material, and you meet Miss Web after exchanging countless late-night texts, buyer beware. She may have waxed off more than just her bad habits from her online profile. What does that leave, you ask? Keep your head up and out of the gutter; that means she's got some undesirable traits, not necessarily a clear landing strip. She might be needy. She might be a party animal. She might just be boring.
At any rate, all that endless pre-meeting typing is so exhausting and time consuming, it's probably more cost effective to just pay her by the hour. Which brings us to...
1. The Woman Of The Night
Her day begins when yours ends. She may work a pole, walk the streets or even be the lady you fantasize about in your sheets. She lives in the Valley, she always has a perfect French manicure, stacks of dollar bills, shady friends, extensions, tats, and secrets. Oh so many secrets.
You think none of that matters. She's so beautiful you look past the pain in her eyes, the cigarette burns on her arms (or are those something else...), the man waiting for her outside your apartment, the insufficient funds fee you get at the ATM at 4 a.m. It's all worth it for the experience. After all, even love is a business.
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