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Why This Song Sucks: The Worst Rap Tracks of 2011

Why This Song Sucks: The Worst Rap Tracks of 2011

I still don't understand why more people didn't like Unbreakable. It was suspenseful, smart enough, featured an attractive color palette, and it had a horribly creepy opening. (Remember the baby who was born with all of his bones broken?) And the most clever part -- the crux of the entire move, in fact -- was brilliantly simple: Since black is balanced by white and hot is balanced by cold and so on, then the excessively sickly and weak must be balanced by the particularly ox-like and strong.

Which brings us to the worst rap songs of 2011. This year featured some wonderful, gorgeous moments in hip-hop. There was Kendrick Lamar's Section 80, Big K.R.I.T.'s Return of 4eva, and Shabazz Palaces' Black Up. And those are balanced by these, the ten worst rap songs of 2011. They're all bad for different reasons, but they're all bad nonetheless. This list also features jokes about John Duffy and excerpts from the Bible. Trust that it's aces.

10. J. Cole

"Work Out"

So, is everyone still pretending that J. Cole is great, or did we all figure out that he's only okay?

Note: This song might be more disappointing than bad.

Via @JColeEyebrows
Via @JColeEyebrows

A Second Note: In his defense, what Cole lacks in dynamicism, he makes up for in eyebrowicism. He has, without question, the most interesting eyebrows in all of hip-hop. They look like they're engaged in civil war with each another. They look like they want to crawl right the fuck off his head and find a nice, leafy tree.

9. Bad Meets Evil, featuring Bruno Mars

"Lighters"

I miss when Eminem was on drugs.

8. Gucci Mane, featuring Soulja Boy and Yo Gotti

"Burr Burr"

Burr. Burr, burr. Burr, burr! BURR! BURR, BURR! BURR, BURR, BURR, BURR, BURR!!!!!BURR! BURR, BURR! BURR, BURR, BURR, BURR, BURR!!!!! BURR! BURR, BURR! BURR, BURR, BURR, BURR, BURR!!!!! BURR! BURR, BURR! BURR, BURR, BURR, BURR, BURR!!!!!BURR! BURR, BURR! BURR, BURR, BURR, BURR, BURR!!!!! swag. BURR! BURR, BURR! BURR, BURR, BURR, BURR, BURR!!!!! swag, swag. BURR! BURR, BURR! BURR, BURR, BURR, BURR, BURR!!!!!

 

7. Plies, featuring Ludacris and Jeremih

"Just The Tip"

Romantic Plies is somehow equally as awful as Normal Plies. He's not petitioning a woman to have sex with him, because that's totally crossing the line, bro. No. Here, he just wants her to let him put the tip of his penis inside her vagina. That's it. No biggie. May I borrow some salt? May I use your iPod charger? May I place the tip of my penis in your vagina? It's all the same thing, really.

"Just The Tip," The Quiz

Instructions: Below, we've mixed lines from "Just The Tip" with lines from transcripts of interviews with infamous British serial rapist John Duffy. See if you can tell who said what. Write your answers down. Check them at the end.

1. "Why you always making me beg for it?"

a. Plies

b. John Duffy

2. "We're not about to do nothing; let me put the head in."

a. Plies

b. John Duffy

3. "If I don't make you feel good at first, then I'll quit."

a. Plies

b. John Duffy

4. "Why are you tripping? Move your hand out of the way real quick."

a. Plies

b. John Duffy

5. "If you love me, you'll let me do it. I'm just sayin'."

a. Plies

b. John Duffy

6. "Take [your panties] off or pull them to the side; stop playing."

a. Plies

b. John Duffy

7. "It ain't my fault, girl. You shouldn't be so damn fine."

a. Plies

b. John Duffy

8. "I ain't gonna keep on begging. I'm going to ask you for the last time."

a. Plies

b. John Duffy

9. "You ain't got to do nothing. You can just lay there."

a. Plies

b. John Duffy

10. "I know you're going to let me in there."

a. Plies

b. John Duffy

Answers: They are all from Plies.

Feel free to print that out and pass it around at work.

 

6. Future

"Tony Montana"

"Ain't nothing 'bout me ordinary."

Oh, is that right, Rapper Paying Homage To Scarface? You are so groundbreaking and transcendent that nothing -- NOTHING -- about you can be considered "ordinary," Rapper Paying Homage To Scarface, you have absolutely redefined Rap, have you, Rapper Paying Homage To Scarface? Intellectually, you are on this whole new plane, Rapper Paying Homage To Scarface. Cool, cool.

5. Wiz Khalifa

"Roll Up"

Has anyone made a "Throw Up" parody of this yet, because, duuude.

4. Gucci Mane and V-Nasty

"Whip Appeal"

The only image that came up on Google Images when I searched this song:

 

3. Lil Wayne, featuring Lil B

"Grove St. Party" remix

God rebukes thee, Lil B. Actual verses from the actual Bible:

Revelations 6:8

I looked, and there before me was a pale horse! Its rider was named Lil Wayne, and Lil B was following close behind him. They were given power over a fourth of the Earth to kill by sword, famine and plague, and by the wild beasts of the Earth. Oh, and the "Grove St. Party" remix? Way worse than those wild beasts.

Revelations 19:20

But the beast was captured, and with him the false prophet, Lil B, who had performed the miraculous signs* on his behalf. With these signs he had deluded those who had received the mark of the beast** and worshiped his image. The two of them were thrown alive into the fiery lake*** of burning sulfur.

Why This Song Sucks: The Worst Rap Tracks of 2011

*Somehow getting famous.

**They don't specify exactly what the "mark of the beast" is. I suspect it's that tongue tattoo right underneath Lil B's neck.

***MTV, probably.

Lil B takes a real beating all through Revelations, FYI.

Lastly, Matthew:

Matthew 5:29-30

If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell. And if your mouth causes you to sin, if it causes you to record a verse over "Grove St. Party" that sounds like you had briefly gone deaf, cut it off and throw it away. Because, for real, broski, that shit was the worst.

Sincerely,

God

--

Follow me on Twitter at @TheRealGod.

 

2. YC, featuring Future

"Racks"

REEEEEMIIIIIIX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First Verse (start at 0:17):

This song fucking sucks

They just say weird shit; ducks

And truck and cluck and muck

Shucks and tucks and luck.

I don't know what's happening

Is this even English?

Smash my head on the floor

I can't take this shit annyyymoore.

Chorus (x2):

Got racks on racks

Racks on racks

Racks on racks

Got racks on raaaaaacks.

Second Verse:

Makes me want to die

Stick a knife in my eye

Bite a baby in the thigh

Make that little bitch cry

Make that little bitch cry?

Make that little bitch cry

But make that little bitch cry?

Make that little bitch crrryyyy

Cut the check, son. That's a hit.

Why This Song Sucks: The Worst Rap Tracks of 2011

1. The worst rap song of the year: Lil Wayne's Tha Carter IV

All of it.

Ben Westhoff already pulled the legs off of this.

P.S. Rent Unbreakable.

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