MORE

Why This Song Sucks: The Karate Kid's "You're The Best"

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

See also: We Need a New 'Eye of the Tiger.' Here Are Five Candidates

Song: Joe Esposito's "You're The Best"

History: This is the song they play near the end of The Karate Kid when Daniel LaRusso first starts putting it on those Cobra Kai pussies in the All Valley Karate Championship.

Note: In the interest of scientific accuracy, I'd like to point out that the usage of the term "pussies" is meant to mean "sissies" or "punks," not "vaginas." I thought that might've been confusing because I'm sure Daniel LaRusso put it on some actual vaginas after the tournament. How could he not have? I mean, he's beautiful AND courageous. If I had a vagina, and had I seen him fighting, I'd for certain have let him pu--you know what. Never mind. You get it.

Atmospherics: Gummy worm rock; hyper-affirming guitar licks; narrow, tinkering keyboard taps; tryyourbestian aesthetics.

Scientific Analysis: The redeeming quality of this song is that it was so inspiring, so motivational, that it spurred LaRusso on to great things. Unfortunately, there are about 4,000 things scientifically wrong with this song. Let's go with the two most bizarre. First, a grab from the lyrics. This line:

Fight 'til the end, 'cause your life will depend on the strength you have inside.

?

Ummm, your LIFE will depend on the strength you have inside?

Holy fuck. This karate tournament was way more serious than I think anybody noticed. They were on some Mortal Kombat "If you lose, you die" shit, bro.

That one guy was half-right: We are going to need some bodybags.
That one guy was half-right: We are going to need some bodybags.

My sons are in Tae Kwon Do. I took them to a tournament this past February. You know what happened? Nobody died, that's what the fuck happened. Nobody even told anyone to sweep any legs. THERE WERE ZERO LEGS SWEPT. Instead, I sat there and watched a bunch of morons rotate in and out of what best I could tell was a tickle fight and then they gave a chubby boy a trophy because he cried less than the other kids.

I WANT THE THREAT OF DEATH HANGING IN THE AIR, All Valley-style, bitches.

Why This Song Sucks: The Karate Kid's "You're The Best"

Second thing, and nobody really ever mentioned this, but:

Daniel won the tournament, sure. He didn't win any actual fights though. Really, all you had to do was touch the other guy a couple of times before he touched you and you moved on to the next round. You know what's going to happen in the days and weeks after the tournament? He's going to get his ass kicked again. Because he's still just one person and the Cobra Kai is still the Cobra Kai and the Cobra Kai doesn't fight fair.

I've probably been in about twelve fights. Do you know how many of them were fair? Zero. Fuck a fair fight. You know who believes in fair fights? I don't know. But I know who doesn't: Mexicans. I still don't understand why people were so surprised about that whole Battle of the Alamo thing. Our strength is in the swarm, like bees or herpes.

The closest I ever came to a fair fight was when I got into an argument with a guy at a nightclub because he was harassing a girl that was in the group I was in. I was so keyed up that I ran up on him before I realized that I'd not assembled my soldiers. We shouted a bit, then I let us get separated because I was outgunned. (He was probably 5'11", 185. I'm 5'7", 140.) About thirty minutes later I worked my way up behind on a crowded dance floor, glanced around real quick, punched him in his ear as hard as I could, then did the Dougie dance right the fuck off the dance floor before he even knew what had happened.

Daniel LaRusso is going to get coldcocked at a nightclub and it's all Joe Escosito's fault.

Conclusions:

(I) Daniel LaRusso soft-eyed allure will scramble a man-brain just as easily as a woman-brain.

(II) Probably 15 kids died at the surprisingly brutal All-Valley Karate Tournament.

(III) Tae Kwon Do tournaments for kids are as vicious as birthday parties at Build-A-Bear.

(IV) Daniel LaRusso won, but he lost, really.

See also: We Need a New 'Eye of the Tiger.' Here Are Five Candidates

Follow us on Twitter @LAWeeklyMusic, and like us at LAWeeklyMusic.