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Why This Song Sucks: Maroon 5's "Moves Like Jagger," featuring Christina Aguilera

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: Maroon 5's "Moves Like Jagger," featuring Christina Aguilera

History: God (likely) intended for Maroon 5 to be an important-but-middling critic's darling, but they mortgaged their indie-cool to become ubiquitous. Hard core. Those fuckers are everywhere now, and they have been for a while. They were fun for longer than one could have anticipated, but have now settled into their role as the white Black Eyed Peas. Oh, also, Adam Levine got some tattoos and started working out serious. Now he takes his shirt off every chance he gets.

Background: "Moves Like Jagger" replaces rock ethos and grit with helium-filled balloons. Clearly it sucks, yet it sits atop Billboard's Hot 100. The question: Why?

Atmospherics: Soft, uncomplicated drum kicks; digital bubbles and tinks; sort of melodic; homogenized electro pop; trembly, accessible guitar work; the predictable parts of house/rock hybrids;Christina Aguilera's bottom-of-the-mouth swag.

Scientific Analysis: We must analyze: Which of Mick Jagger's moves does the song refer to?

Why This Song Sucks: Maroon 5's "Moves Like Jagger," featuring Christina Aguilera

It's 16 percent likely that Maroon 5 is referring to the movement of his active sperm, considering he has children by multiple women.

It's even less likely (15%), that the track refers to his creepy old man moves, ie when he was vibrating his crotch at Superbowl XL.

One of his daughters, Elizabeth Jagger, posed for Playboy, so perhaps they are referring to his disappointed father moves (11%)?

Most likely, the song refers to his dance/swagger moves (52%). But ultimately, we can never be entirely sure. One thing we can be sure of, however, is that Jagger's moves -- whatever they may be -- are appealing.

Damn appealing. In fact, two things are for certain on this planet: (1) Hoes gon' be hoes, so you can't blame Tammy, and; (2) Jagger's moves are appealing.

Nature has dictated it as such.

Thus, by aligning themselves with Jagger's moves (something awesome), Maroon 5 guaranteed that their song would become ubiquitous, no matter how shitty it was. (Maybe they were using science too, bastards!) It's like someone saying to you, "Raise your hand right now if you'd like someone to perform oral sex on you... and you'd like an Incubus t-shirt."

Why This Song Sucks: Maroon 5's "Moves Like Jagger," featuring Christina Aguilera

Therefore, the answer to why everyone likes this crappy song is as follows:

I. All people want to be moved on in a Jaggeresque manner

II. Adam Levine has moves like Jagger

III. You are a person

IV. Therefore, this song is appealing.

V. QED

Fuck.

Conclusion: The guys in Maroon 5 are geniuses. They can go to hell.