[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]
Song: Gotye's "Somebody That I Used To Know," featuring Kimbra
History: "Somebody That I Used To Know" is a song that people LOVE. Like, I mean A LOT. It's mostly White people. I think Gotye might be White Tupac, but I'm not certain. Also, I think we're all just supposed to pretend that Damien Rice wasn't doing this bit about 40X better already. It's probably because Gotye is from Australia and Rice is from Ireland and Australia is considerably more hipster-chic than Ireland. I mean, did you even see Crocodile Dundee? It's the most post-meta movie ever made. LULZ. ALT.
Atmospherics: Slo-mo brooding; itchy bass; narcoleptic-turned-WAHWAHAH vocals. It starts out okay enough, then turns into four minutes of Gotye making sad faces and saying that his ex-girlfriend hurt his feelings because she didn't want to lay in the flowers at the park with him anymore or something.
Scientific Analysis: Look, Gotye, I get it: Breaking up sucks. But, dude, you're sounding like a real super vagina here. And super vaginas aren't scientifically accurate. Honestly, I'm not even sure what a super vagina is. I guess it might maybe be, like, a superhero that does a lot of Kegel exercises or whatever? I don't know. I know I looked through a science book for 45 minutes and the closest thing I could find was this regular vagina.
Incidentally, I also read about valence electrons because it was what came immediately after "vagina" in the book's index and when you're a scientist you just read about science shit for fun. I was surprised to find this:
It seems like an otherwise innocuous example of a chemical equation; that is, until you focus on the solely on the chemical formulas. Check it, yo:
That shit can't be a coincidence.
Further prodding revealed that this whole thing is actually a molecular issue. What's more, it's an undefeatable, self-perpetuating, unending cycle. To wit: Some DNA samples revealed the following conundrum:
See, Gotye's cellular structure isn't that of lysosomes and nuclear membranes, but of tiny, adorable crying babies. And the cellular structure of those tiny, adorable crying babies is a mass of Gotyes. It just keeps going again and again and again. It's like when you put two mirrors in front of each other, except if those mirrors were total fucking chicken hearts.
(I) Australia turned cool and nobody noticed and that's good because being cool is the least cool thing of all.
(II) A lot of men were surprised to see that a woman's vagina does not connect to her stomach in any way.
(III) One cannot blame Gotye for his ways any more than one can blame a monkey for throwing poop, but that still doesn't make that shit cool.
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