[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]
Song: Flo Rida's "Good Feeling"
History: Ack. ACK. "Good Feeling" is, Christ, like the 19th single from Flo Rida's 23rd studio album or something. I don't know. Who can tell anymore? They all sound the same; global, spineless, stadium/club rap built solely to be monetized. At this point, he's pretty much the Black Pitbull. And the only thing worse than Normal Pitbull* is a derivative of him.
*Actually, that's not true. Normal Pitbull is also worse than Normal Pitbull. He is a paradox. Just think about him as an M.C. Escher painting. He's the impossible staircase of awfulness.
Atmospherics: Big, electro-pop nonsense; like if you had hydrogen peroxide bubbling in your spinal chord; whatever the opposite of "hefty" is; somehow manages to marginalize an Etta James sample, 1962's "Something's Got A Hold Of Me."
Scientific Analysis: This is probably what happened during the production meeting for this song:
Flo Rida: Guys, yo. Yo! Listen up. I've got a great idea for a song.
[plays "Good Feeling"]
Flo Rida: So?
Team: Well, it's kind of exactly like the last song.
Flo Rida: True, true. But check it: no one's going to notice.
Team: Um. Why?
Flo Rida: ...NIPPLES! I'M GONNA BE SHOWING MY NIPPLES FOR, LIKE, THE WHOLE VIDEO!
Team: Dude... That's amazing!
And so it was that on the eighth day that God, in his infinite glory and grace, gave the world Flo Rida's nipples.
There are 40+ shots in the "Good Feeling" video where Flo Rida's nipples are exposed. That's not an exaggeration. Count 'em. I did. I got 43 separate shots. Forty-three different times where I could see his nipples, or, as I took to calling them, his Brown Death Pepperonis, because there is a definite correlation between the number of times a guy sees Flo Rida's nipples and how seriously he considers placing mashing his head in with a boulder.
You know what the best thing is that Flo Rida has ever done? Pose for this picture.
He woke up one morning and said, "You know what? Fuck it. Today's the day. I'm buying that red leather vest I saw at Wilsons Leather last week." Then he went and he did it. Then, another morning, he woke up and said, "You know what? Fuck it. I know everyone has been giving me all kinds of shit about my vest, saying I look the photo negative of Pat Boone on the cover In A Metal Mood: No More Mr. Nice Guy. But I'm wearing my red leather vest to my photo shoot today too." And he did. And that's goddamn glorious.
But even still, maybe this was less impressive than initially assumed. Flo Rida is only of middling coolness when compared to others in similar outfits. To wit, this comparison:
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(I) Pitbull is the actualization of an M.C. Escher painting
(II) Flo Rida was probably overweight as a kid.
(III) Flo Rida is not afraid to style on yo' bitch ass.
(IV) At his best, Flo Rida is less cool than Pat Boone was in 1997, and equal than or greater than a guy that shows up when you type "Gay Biker" in a Google Images search.