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Why This Song Sucks, Children's Edition: "Patty Cake"

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: "Patty Cake"

Thomas d'Urfey had that hot shit in the 17th century, yo.
Thomas d'Urfey had that hot shit in the 17th century, yo.

History: "Patty Cake" first popped up in 1698 in English writer Thomas d'Urfey's play The Campaigners. Shortly after, he and DJ Smallz turned it into a mixtape. And dat shit had da' streetz on blaze, son!!!

It was remixed and released in 1765 on the compilation mixtape Mother Goose's Melody, which was hosted by DJ Drama's great, great grandfather, DJ Melodrama (he was much more sensational). Many rappers have since adopted pieces and portions of the song.

Atmospherics: N/A

Scientific Analysis: Anyone who has children or knows children or was once a child knows "Patty Cake." Let us assume that these are the traditionally accepted words:

Patty cake, patty cake, Baker's Man.

Bake me a cake as fast as you can.

Roll it and pat it and mark it with a 'B' [or use your child's first initial].

And put it in the oven for Baby [or use your child's name] and me.

This is riddled with tomfoolery. Each line is exponentially more confusing than the last. To wit:

"Patty cake, patty cake, Baker's man."

Bitch, you can't just walk into a bakery and shout orders at the baker. That's beyond rude. What's more, in addition to violating social decorum, you're also just making shit up. Have you ever tried to find an actual patty cake at the grocery store? They don't exist. It's like trying to buy crunchberries*.

Two years ago, when my sister asked my niece what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday, my niece said she wanted a patty cake. Everyone thought it was cute until my sister tried to pawn off a regular ass cake as a patty cake at the party. The Niece sniffed out the deception immediately. It was a shitstorm after that.

*BTW, fuck you too, Cap'n Crunch. Were are the rest of the letters in your title? Were you just in such a gigantic hurry that you couldn't write out the t-a-i? You don't even have any cartoon birds or rabbits trying to steal your shit. Come on, man..

"Bake me a cake as fast as you can."

Oh, sure, because now that you said that I'm going to use my magic oven that cooks shit twice as fast as normal.

Unrelated, but true nonetheless.
Unrelated, but true nonetheless.

"Roll it and pat it and mark it with a 'B' [or use your child's first initial]"

So, to clarify: You walk into a bakery, demand the baker make you an imaginary cake, demand he do so faster than the principles of conduction dictate, which, mind you, are governed by the laws of nature, and then demand he do so in the procedural format you choose? You got some real nerve, bro.

"And put it in the oven for Baby [or use your child's name] and me."

Holdonasec. So you mean after the baker preps the cake for cooking, you want him to put it in the oven? Well what did you think he was going to do? Toss it out the fucking window? The man is a professional. Have some respect.

Bonus Tidbit:

There's a rapper in L.A. named YG with a song called "Patty Cake." In it, he shouts, "Patty cake, patty cake. Bitch, make it shake. She make it clap and bring it back on a nigga. All the bad bitches, all the rat bitches. All the beat-up mamas and the fat bitches." While more coarse, his version is far more pragmatic.

Conclusions:

(I) Thomas d'Urfey is the Big Daddy Kane of the 17th century.

(II) A patty cake is the Bigfoot of baked desserts.

(III) Dads always get the short of it.