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Why I'm Endorsing Hulk Hogan

Take That Chuck Norris.

  • As you can see from his "Real American" video above, Hogan has the endorsement of the real JFK, not his younger, drunker brother and rest of the flotsam and jetsam that currently constitute the rest of the Kennedy clan. This displays Hogan's ability to transcend the realm of the spirit and the flesh. Last time, I checked Barack Obama was only capable of communicating with the living. How is he supposed to bridge generation gaps and the partisan divide if he can't even communicate with the dead? Pathetic.

  • Hogan's American flag guitar is at least six times more awesome and 14 times more patriotic than the pathetic ax that Mike Huckabee wields in D.C. cover band, Capital Offense. This leads me to believe that Huckabee is soft on terrorism, communism, nihilism, and rockism, and therefore not fit to be president. Who's the pinko now, Suckabee?

  • Hulk Hogan once defeated Andre the Giant and Big John Studd. Granted, John McCain's six and a half years of torture at the hands of the North Vietnamese must've been no picnic, but let's face facts, McCain is 5'7. The Hulkster is 6'10 and weighs 300 lbs (according to Vince McMahon). Let's just say for instance that Iran continues to take steps towards a nuclear weapon, and let's just that say Mahmoud Admadinejad challenges the sitting American president to a Greco-Roman wrestling bout, my money's on the guy who used to be nicknamed Thunder Lips and who can body-slam 520 lb. Gallic Giants.

Hogan's Power Is So Great That Everyone He Comes Into Contact With Slowly Starts To Look Like Him

  • Hulk Hogan is capable of mystically beaming himself from the Washington Memorial, to the Badlands, to the St. Louis Arch, to a cornfield in Iowa, to the Hollywood sign and Mt. Rushmore, all in a matter of seconds, while continuing to rock the fuck out. All granite-face Mitt Romney can do is look like he belongs on Mount Rushmore. [Or insert Your Own magic underwear joke here.]

  • If a potential voter asked Hulk Hogan how he did his hair every morning, he wouldn't break down on the stump and lapse into a teary schpiel. Instead, he would tousle his platinum-colored locks, flex his 24-inch pythons, tell her to say her prayers and to eat her vitamins. Then he would hop on his "Hulkster" chopper, swallow two dozen raw eggs for the protein and proceed to fight for the rights of every man (and woman.)

  • While none of the remaining candidates love Khadafi (I imagine Kucinich may have had a small crush), not one can match the fervor of the Hulkster's nationalistic fury. How many times have you seen Ron Paul rip up a picture of a jheri-curled Libyan dictator? Perhaps you might note that our problems with the tyrant of Tripoli seem like old news. A good point. But what if our diplomatic relations with the another country sour similarly? Maybe even France. Were that to ever happen, I know who I'd want in the white house: a leader with the necessary strength fortitude to to be willing to shred up a picture of Nicolas Sarkozy in his music video (and possibly shut down America's lycees).

Not convinced? Watch the video below and try to convince yourself otherwise. If might not contain cameos from Will I Am and Scarlett Johansson but it's damn effective. Some might even call it propaganda, but I for one call it testament.


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