Which of These Donuts Are the Most Punk Rock?
There are plenty of second acts in punk rock life. Most of them involve shitty bands, personal reinvention, religious conversion, and/or more shitty bands. But, for Mark Trombino -- the Drive Like Jehu drummer and world-class producer of everything emotional hardcore -- that second act is donuts.
His Highland Park shop, Donut Friend, opened about a month ago and has music critics stoked because the donuts' names are clever references to their favorite late '90s music. But which of Trombino's donuts is the most punk rock? We ate a baker's dozen -- and even gave two of them names that didn't otherwise have them -- to come up with the answer. Here they are, ranked from least to most punk rock.
13. Bacon 182
Pun on: Blink 182
This is punk rock because: Actually, it's all mapley and bacony -- which makes it more poppy than punk, really. I guess this is not specifically growing up?
12. Rites of Sprinkles
Pun on: Rites of Spring
This is punk rock because: Let's be honest: you won't get "a piece of past caught in [your] throat," but you may get some sprinkles caught there.
11. The Cream Syndicate
Pun on: paisley undergrounders The Dream Syndicate
This is punk rock because: It's got a marmalade "Bullet With Your Name On It" -- your mouth's name on it. Sure, it's not the punkest rock, but it is good.
10. Drive Like Jelly
Pun on: Drive Like Jehu
This is punk rock because: You'll want to "Caress" it before you devour its "Golden Brown" deliciousness. The peanut butter and jelly vibe is decidedly more mathy than hardcore, but we're not complaining.
9. Custard Front Drive
Pun on: Christie Front Drive
This is punk rock because: Between its sweet cakey guitar notes, and doleful chocolate-girded vocals is a rich creamy center.
8. The Gorilla Biscuit
Pun on: Gorilla Biscuits
This is punk rock because: You're gonna need a "Big Mouth" to fit in all of those vicious bananas and raucous dolce de leche. This donut is for sure, "Better Than You."
7. Dag Nutty
Pun on: Dag Nasty
This is punk rock because: "Can I Say" this one is a little conservative, but then again we all know punk can be reactionary. So good, you won't drop one, let alone "Four on the Floor."
6. QuinceSand (We invented this name)
Terrible Pun on: Quicksand
This is punk rock because:it features a pretty boss quince jam. Also made with ricotta cheese and bacon, it won't leave you "Unfulfilled."
5. Jets to Basil
Pun on: Jets to Brazil
This is punk rock because: It's not an obvious "Lemon Yellow Black" but instead a somewhat savory "Sweet Avenue" of balsamic reduction and goat cheese. Oh, and there's basil. Basil is pretty fucking punk rock, man.
4. Jane Dough (We invented this name)
Terrible Pun on: The Album Jane Doe by Converge
This is punk rock because: It's (sort of) vegan and entirely hard in its core. An aggressively delicious egg / dairy free donut with almond butter, (Kurt) Ballou-berry jam, and chocolate icing. Truly a "Homewrecker."
Pun on: Fugazi
This is punk rock because: "You are not what you own," but, rather, what you eat. It's "No Surprise" that this is better than a "Pink Frosty."
2. GG Almond
Pun on: GG Allin
This is punk rock because: That honey-drenched Gruyere is the perfect complement to a side of scumfuc and face piss. Nummers.
1. Chocolate from the Crypt
Pun on: Rocket from the Crypt
This is punk rock because: It is literally "Out of Control." It's as chocolate black as your punk rock soul and has a spicy rock swagger. Clearly, this is at the top of the big sweaty, moshy heap.
Ok, I'm done. I can't pun anymore. And I have a stomach ache -- the punkest of punk rock stomach aches -- thanks Mark.
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