Wherein We Hilariously Predict Katy Perry's 2012
Two thousand eleven was a year of peaks and valleys for Katy Perry; she made a run at pop supremacy, performed at huge venues for tiny fans, and made gobs of money. Unfortunately, half of that could go to Russell Brand, who filed for divorce at the end of the year. (They're not believed to have a pre-nup.) One wonders, what could 2012 possibly have in store for her? Glad you asked! Here are our month-by-month predictions.
January: At the 11th hour, Perry unearths what she claims is a signed pre-nuptial agreement. Unfortunately the document does not withstand legal scrutiny, seeing that it's smeared with lipstick and mascara, and its only legible line reads "Katy gets everything including my booky-wook collection."
February: Her nerves still a mess, Perry breaks out in a rash of facial and neck acne, causing her to loose her Proactiv endorsement. Her status as a sex symbol diminishes considerably, though former beau Travis "Travie" McCoy announces he will gladly take her back.
March: Attempting to distract attention from her skin condition, Perry announces she's begun work on Boobs On A Stick, her new album. Sesame Street promptly invites her back.
April: First Boobs On A Stick single "I Puked On Prom Night" fails to chart, despite its big-budget video which features her re-enacting the There's Something About Mary spermatoza-in-the-bangs gag.
May: Performing on an world tour before a still-strong international audience, Perry shifts away from the Candy Land theme of previous shows. Unfortunately, audiences are left scratching their heads when she appears on a stage decked out like a Scrabble board.
June: Boobs On A Stick's second single, "Golden State Gurl" also fails to garner interest. The song is not helped by its guest verse from Lil Wayne, who dubiously rhymes "sweetheart" with "wet fart."
July: Perry announces she will no longer fight Brand in court, so long as he is willing to admit publicly that she was funnier on Saturday Night Live.
August: Her acne having gone into remission, Perry re-enters the dating pool with a splash. She comes up for air with Justin Timberlake on her arm.
September: At a hastily-arranged press conference, Perry sports a golf ball sized diamond ring. She announces that the pair are engaged and that, thanks to her diligence and hard work, Timberlake has developed a sex addiction.
October: The couple are married on a small island in the south pacific, surrounded only by their parents, siblings, intimate friends, People and InStyle photographers, Kitty Kelley, and an E! television crew livecasting the event.
November: Timberlake files for divorce, citing "irreconcilable differences," "cleavage fatigue," and "chafing."
December: Capitol Records announces it has dropped Perry from its label. Depressed and destitute, she finds herself without a man or a career for the first time in her adult life. Drunk on Kool-Aid and candy canes on Christmas Eve, she returns to the church of her youth. Vowing to reform her secular ways, she's inspired to join the choir in the midst of "O Come O Come Emmanuel," and so impresses the director that he invites her to become a permanent member. She does so and retreats into anonymity, living out the rest of her days as a suburban spinster aunt, whiling away her days baking casseroles and scrapbooking. To those who ask about her former life, she admits to kissing a girl but not liking it.
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