Top Ten Musicians Who Cannot Tour Arizona Without Proving They're "Legal"

We don't know if you're aware of this, but Arizona has recently passed a little law demanding that every cop, security guard or random person in some kind of uniform and in possession of a Tazer stop anyone "suspected" of being an illegal immigrant and demand that they show their papers.

A little-noticed side effect of this Nazi fascist insane racist hateful peculiar piece of eccentric local legislation is that many of our most beloved musicians will be discouraged from playing Arizona for fear of being harassed by any yahoo with a badge.

Here's our

Top Ten Musicians Who Cannot Tour Arizona Without Proving They're "Legal"

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10. Carlos Santana

I mean, "Carlos Santana." Does it get more illegal than that? Yes it does: born in Jalisco, grew up in Tijuana, worked as a dishwasher and busboy all over California. And then, after he got fame and fortune, instead of becoming a good assimilated American and renaming himself Charles Saint-Anne, he chose instead to go all Eastern weirdo and changed his name to Devadip (true story). The only thing in his favor is that his late '90s turn towards Rob Thomas-fueled Starbucks schlock is as American as Taco Bell.

9. Seal

Strange African singer with a German wife and ritual scars on his face. What do you mean they're not ritual scars? And that he was born in London? Never mind that--he's weird and has Nigerian ancestors. And you know about those people with Nigerian ancestors, right?

8. Gene Simmons

Israel is an important strategic ally of the US, but still--immigrant. Take off the demonic make-up and show the nice Phoenix policeman your papers, Mr. Chaim Witz.

7. The Roots' Ahmir ?uestlove

Ok, this one could pass for an American (if we let the "Ahmir" slide), but that strange fork in his hair is definitely suspiciously foreign. Also, surnames with exotic characters like "?" that your average Arizonan can't pronounce are questionable. Is that like the ! in !Kung?

6. Paul McCartney

He owns (or owned) a ranch near Tucson (where wife Linda died), but this one sounds suspiciously British. Playing the Super Bowl somehow makes up in Red White & Blue points for the fact that he publicly declared he'd rather be "Back in the U.S.S.R." Papers please.

5. Phil Spector

Psych! It's a joke! Phil Spector is as American as the right to shoot glamour models in the face in your fake Alhambra castle! He's welcome to visit Arizona without harassment whenever he gets out of the pokey.

4. Madonna

She sounds British and her last name is Ciccone. Dates guys named Jesus and Carlos. 'Nuff said. Papers!

3. The Mars Volta

There's nothing American about prog music.

2. Ricky Martin

It's called the United STATES for a reason. Puerto Rico: not a state. Also, we speak ENGLISH in Arizona--if you show us your papers and we let you come and sing, you need to rename your song "Living the Crazy Life" over here.

1. Lady Gaga

Another suspected Italian immigrant (see #4). Also "artsy," which is always code-word for "foreign." Your Pokerface is not fooling anyone in Arizona--papers papers PAPERS!

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