What makes a terrible band? Is it being prepared to do the wrong thing, whatever the price? That and a pair of testicles. Only, some of the below groups possess testicles only in the symbolic sense. Because, even if you're composed of ladies, it takes balls to make music that is simultaneously pretentious and dopey, that is both derivative and uniquely craptastic. And so in that spirit we present, below, the worst bands of all time. As with our top 20 greatest musicians of all time and top 20 hair metal albums of all time lists, we take this shit very seriously, even enlisting objective third party analysts to review our findings for accuracy. -Ben Westhoff
20. Spin Doctors
Did you know that Blues Traveler's John Popper used to be a member of this damn group? That may explain why a Spin Doctors song is a bit like herpes. You get infected at a young age when you don't know any better. When you think it's finally gone, it rears its ugly head again. The mere mention of tracks like "Two Princes" create an earworm so powerful that you're going to need to see an ENT doctor. Forget Chris Barron's scraggly beard; the real problem with the Spin Doctors is their enduring lightweight retro "jam" song legacy on crappy corporate radio. Just when you thought you were out, they pull you back in. -Nicholas Pell
19. The Raconteurs
Formed in the late aughts, The Raconteurs consist of Jack White and some other guys. They call themselves "a new band made from old friends," but it's more accurate to call them "slumming dudes attempting to trick fans of the White Stripes into liking their boring, awful, music." Track "Consoler of the Lonely" repeats the phrase "I am bored to tears" six times, which is only a small fraction of how often everyone else was saying it. -Gabrielle Canon
Why is Oasis among the worst? Because Liam Gallagher only plays tambourine and possesses the single most nasal voice in pop. Because "Wonderwall" is pure nonsense. Because they combine simple composition with over-the-top production and pretentious length. "Champagne Supernova," anyone? Because they've been caught ripping off other artists' songs, including Stevie Wonder, The New Seekers, and Neil Innes. Because their backstage altercations always boiled down to sibling rivalry. What's next, hair-pulling and time-outs? But mainly because courting comparisons to the Beatles is always lame, no exceptions. -Anna Westhoff
Phish is supposed to be the next generation's Grateful Dead, right? But with the Dead, one at least enjoyed a fighting chance of enjoying them sober. Also, there's the fact that the Dead never composed these lyrics: "Down with disease/ Up before the dawn/ A thousand barefoot children outside dancing on my lawn." -Elano Pizzicarola
See also: Can an Intelligent Person Like Phish?
16. 4 Non Blondes
We can be thankful that 4 Non Blondes only made one album-- 1992's Bigger, Better, Faster, More! -- but it's a doozy, a mess of classic rock wails and faux bluesiness. Consider yourself lucky if you don't remember lyrics like "Oh please Mr. President, will you lend me a future." Their hit "What's Up?" meanwhile combines the worst of what Ani DiFranco and grunge had to offer, all of it dressed up in thrift store clothing that probably smelled funny. The quartet has disappeared, but the band's dubious legacy lives on through member Linda Perry, writer and producer of some of the most boring radio songs imaginable, including Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful" and Pink's "Get the Party Started." -Liz Ohanesian
If you like this story, consider signing up for our email newsletters.
SHOW ME HOW
You have successfully signed up for your selected newsletter(s) - please keep an eye on your mailbox, we're movin' in!