[Originally published December 2010]
It's that time of the year, the time when the imploding music industry gathers to display their astonishing cluelessness by nominating a bunch of hacks, flashes-in-the-pan, and old people that have done their best work 40 years ago as "the best music of the year."
Here's a handy Top 20 List of the Most Ridiculous Grammy 2010 Nominations:
20. Best Pop Instrumental Album: Heart and Soul, Kenny G
19. Best Rock Album: Emotion and Commotion, Jeff Beck
18. Best New Artist: Florence & The Machine (new? dear Florence has be toiling around with this material since 2007!)
17. Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group With Vocals: "Don't Stop Believin' (Regionals Version)" The Glee Cast. (O, Karaoke, what have you brought upon us...)
16. Best Pop Instrumental Performance: "Orchestral Intro," Gorillaz (this is just perverse--it's just the throaway intro track to Plastic Beach!)
15. Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance: "Crossroads," John Mayer
14. Best Solo Rock Vocal Performance: "Helter Skelter" (live in New York), Paul McCartney (Helter fucking Skelter in 2010????--ok, now they're just messing with us)
13. Best Metal Performance: "Let The Guilt Go," Korn
12. Best Rap Song: "Empire State of Mind," Jay-Z (what? this track is so 2009 it's not even arguable otherwise--WTF?)
11. Best Female Country Performance: "Satisfied," Jewel (first she's the best-selling American poet of the 90s and now she's taking over Nashville? Is anybody gonna stop this one-hit yodeler at some point?)
10. Best New Age Album: Sacred Journey of Ku-Kai, Volume 4, by Kitaro (Kitaro is still around? Making sequels? Is there a virtual dollar-bin in the e-commerce world?)
9. Best New Age Album: Instrumental Oasis, Volume 4, by Zamora (a challenger arises! Note to self: look into corruption at the Grammy New Age Category--is there a nefarious group of one-name artists that will keep releasing sequels every year just for Grammy nomination purposes? Do they meet at a tiki bar to plot?)
8. Best Latin Pop Album: Poquita Ropa, Ricardo Arjona (Arjona is a vile Guatemalan much beloved of divorced aunts. He's really, really awful. Google the cover of this album: there's a soiled thong suggestively wrapped around his guitar's neck. Because the lady got hornee. And removed her thong for Arjona. Blech.)
7. Best Latin Rock, Alternative or Urban Album: Amor Vincit Omnia by Draco (here's an album described as "a recording masterpiece of universal proportions in which Draco explores love and all of its demons," which would be ridiculous by itself but it's compounded by the fact that "Draco" is Menudo's Bobby Rosa, co-writer of "Livin la Vida Loca" and a known Latin Rock eccentric. Google him.)
6. Best Reggae Album: Revelation by Lee Scratch Perry (this is ridiculous as in ridiculously awesome! 2010 demented Scratch FTW! This, R. Kelly, and Ceelo's "Fuck You" make us think there are some seriously perverse moles among the Grammy voters. Godspeed.)
5. Best Spoken Word Album For Children: Anne Frank: The Diary of A Young Girl, read by Selma Blair (So, so wrong--we need to get a copy of this. Selma was not "a young girl" 11 years ago when she played a teen in Cruel Intentions. Nowadays, she's positively middle-aged.)
4. Best Comedy Album: Weapons of Self Destruction, Robin Williams (Someone please tell Grammy that there's a universal agreement that Robin Williams hasn't been funny since the first Iraq war. Also, no Neil Hamburger? What's wrong with these people?)
3. Best Male Pop Performance: "Haven't Met You Yet," Michael Bublé (wanna hear a crazy rumor? Bublé comes to LA, gets drunk, hangs out with Prince (yup, Prince) and bawawawaaaaasws about how he hates his MOR fans and wishes he could be in a cooler band but his handlers won't let him. Or so we've heard.)
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2. Best Pop Performance by a Group: "Misery," Maroon 5 (seriously, who is buying all those Maroon 5 records? No, really. Please tell us.)
And the #1 Most Ridiculous Grammy 2010 Nomination is...
1. Best New Artist: Justin Bieber!
Advice to Grammy voters: Send a message to Grammytown by putting down R. Kelly and Ceelo's "Fuck You" for EVERYTHING.