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These Christmas Songs Are Not Actually About Christmas

These Christmas Songs Are Not Actually About Christmas
MarkScottAustinTX/Flickr

Many so-called Christmas songs don't celebrate Christmas so much as the act of shopping. Other holiday tunes confuse that warm Christmas spirit feeling with that warm feeling in your pants. So, which of these songs are genuinely talking about the holidays, and which are just talking about raking in crap? And ass?

Wham!

Last Christmas

They gave their heart to someone, who waited a day before giving it away. It sounds like someone had a one night stand during winter break and then read a little too much into it. The best part is that, in the video, all the drama goes down in a super '80s cabin.

Christmas, consumerism or sex? Sex

J. Fred Coots & Haven Gillespie

Santa Claus is Coming to Town

If children are disobedient, the song warns, their presents will be taken away from them. Santa does not play. We adults, however, know that Santa actually exists only as a metaphor for corporate America.

Christmas, consumerism or sex? Consumerism

Blink 182

I Won't Be Home For Christmas

This song has a very negative view of Christmas and is crude (or hilarious, if you are a tween). But it's very Christmas-specific, depicting someone beating up carolers with a baseball bat, which gets him sent to jail, where he is molested. He later decides not to go home for Christmas because he hates his family. It may not have a happy ending, but it depicts the genuine Christmas "spirit" many angry teenagers feel.

Christmas, consumerism or sex? Christmas

 

Little Jackie

Mrs. Claus Ain't Got Nothin on Me

This condescending tune, featured in a Target commercial, tries to convince us that slaving over presents and domestic chores is the edgy thing to do: "Baking them cookies as fast as I can/I'm going to show you what I got/show you who I am/Mrs. Claus ain't got nothing on me." Actually, Mrs. Claus has elves who bake her cookies, jerk.

Christmas, consumerism or sex? Consumerism

Frank Loesser

Baby, It's Cold Outside.

This classic duet depicts a playful fight between a woman and a man trying to seduce her. Because it was composed by a man, the song takes the view that the female character is only resisting out of virtue. If this song had been written by a woman, it would probably be about how terrifying it is to be trapped in a strange man's home while he yells at you for refusing to have sex with him. In their cover, She & Him make the wise choice to reverse the genders, with Zooey Deschanel as the sex-crazed pushy one.

Christmas, consumerism or sex? Sex

Weezer

The Christmas Song

Weezer's tale of a Christmas spent with nothing but a tree perfectly describes the holiday blues. It sounds like a romantic song, but with lines like, "You told me you would bring presents and treats," it could also work for kids recovering from the traumatic news that Santa isn't real.

Christmas, consumerism or sex? Christmas!

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