The Tao of Jim Jones' "Pop Champagne" Ft. Special Guest Ignorance from Juelz Santana & Ron Browz

Thanks to O-Dub for putting me onto this gleeful bit of idiocy.

  • If one cannot convince Rihanna to leave her Caribbean Chris Brown love nest to writhe in your video, one must do the next best thing: get her low-budget, Kool-Aid haired, tatted up, Trinidad & Tobagian equivalent.

  • If one is a Buddha monk boasting the nickname, Capo, and assessing wardrobe options for their annual champagne extravaganza, it is never a bad idea to rigorously scan the 1986 "Aspen Excursion" Winter Issue of the REI catalog for fashion tips.

  • If one is an ascetic pilgrim with the name Juelz Santana, one must cultivate the "Tim Duncan" look. This way, people will perceive greatness instead of your reality: your life as the Sebastian Telfair of rap.

  • In one's quest to produce the most trite celebration of excess, one must go hard to make fun look so dull.

  • If pondering ways to top the homo-eroticism of naming one's crew, "Skull Gang," the solution is green tea, zen meditation and a champagne-soaked, all-male wet t-shirt contest.

  • If one is struck by the insatiable need to "get it on the freeway," one must drive slow, no matter what they think of Kanye West.

  • Stealing four bars from "Big Poppa" in the middle of a verse is always an amenable approach to earning airplay at Hot 97. See also the Tao of Sean Carter.

  • If one must mock Lupe Fiasco and his spasmodic snake shimmy spectacular, one must do it well. Using the phrase, "No Lupe," will suffice.

  • Sex shall not be had in the champagne room unless it is had with Juelz Santana Freekey Zeekey, and/or Ron Burkle.

  • When searching for a hook-man, satori can only be found from a singer who can serve as his own yin and yang: meaning, he must rip off Akon and T-Pain in equal measure.

  • Pop champagne. Pop it hard. Pop it slow. Pop it when ballin'. Pop it when unemployment and economic turmoil are rife. Jones. Dipset for life. (No humble).

Upcoming Events

Sponsor Content


All-access pass to the top stories, events and offers around town.

  • Top Stories


All-access pass to top stories, events and offers around town.

Sign Up >

No Thanks!

Remind Me Later >