The Most Boring Concerts I've Ever Seen
On Facebook not too long ago there was one of those "20 Best Concerts You've Seen" memes going around.
I read some of my friends' lists. They all seemed pretty impressed. But not me. I've seen a shit-ton of really terrible shows. Here are the
1. Husker Du, The Replacements double bill, 1984
First Avenue, Minneapolis
Did shots (and at least one line of meth) with Grant and Paul and the two Bobs before they went on. Lost my underwear at some point and missed the show.
2. Weezer, 1991
Weezer hadn't even really formed yet, so technically this was just Rivers Cuomo and some dudes and this girl Rivers met at karaoke that night, and they kept making out. Most annoyingly, a Sapporo was $13, though the exchange rate was difficult to figure out and that number may be wrong.
3. Wu-Tang Clan, 1993
Beer Goggles dive bar, Staten Island
Didn't hear much because they had this amazing air hockey game in the back.
4. Van Hagar, like eight times
Collinsville, Illinois and other places
Keep hoping to find out how I'll know when it's love, but they keep saying they can't tell me. (Cool that it'll last forever, though.)
5. Samantha Fox, 1986
Cal State Northridge
Wanted to have some fun, move my body all night long. Didn't come to pass, though, because parking was fucking six bucks so I just went home.
6. Beastie Boys, forget the year
Back in their punk rock days before they rapped. Oddly, the show was too quiet. Mike D kept telling the sound engineer to turn the volume down, and Ad-Rock kept asking the crowd to stop moshing.
7. Talib Kweli and Mos Def are Black Star, 1997 maybe
Friend's bah mitzvah, Chatham, New Jersey
Verbose. Smoked my first cigarette that night and had to be taken to urgent care in a coughing fit.
8. Whitesnake/ White Lion/ Great White, 1989
"White Powers of Metal" tour. Fell asleep after David Coverdale began blow-drying his hair onstage.
9. Uncle Tupelo, 1990
Held in Jeff Tweedy's mom's house's basement's extra bedroom, every time Jeff tried to sing Jay Farrar stepped on his foot.
10. MF Doom, the fake one
Like six times
(I never learn)
11. Prince with Sheila E, Morris Day and the Time, 1984
First Ave club, Minneapolis
For some reason I thought Prince sang "Brick House," left pissed.
12. Phil Lesh, 2000
23 European dates
13. Jimi Hendrix, 1968
Some coffee shop in Seattle
Memorable. Come to think of it this was a Jimi Hendrix tribute show, performed by his brother Leon, and it took place in 2004.
14. Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac Shakur, 1994
Some frat house in Boise
A rare bill. Left early because someone said there'd be a buffet but there wasn't.
15. Joy Division, 1978
Fucking boring. Joyless Division, I call them.
16. Living Colour, 1988
They opened for Guns 'N Roses. I heard there was racial tension. Left after "Glamour Boys" because I wanted to catch Live With Regis and Kathy Lee in its entirety the next morning, and I need at least eight hours of sleep. There was no DVR back then, keep in mind, although come to think of it there were VCRs so I probably could have just taped it.
17. ODB, 1996
Grand Central train station bathroom
We smoked something together, can't remember what except it wasn't weed. He kept encouraging me to freestyle, so I did and dropped like 96 amazing bars.
Joan Jett and Lita Ford at the Whisky
18. Runaways, 1975
Kinda wish I'd just waited for the movie.
19. Jeff Buckley, 1993
Some junkie's apartment in Portland
He and Elliott Smith played these interminably-long duets. River Phoenix was there too, fucking monopolizing the bathroom.
20. The Smiths, 1983
After 35 long minutes of this show I yelled out "Morrissey, I hope you get hit by a ten ton truck! Or a double decker bus." They stopped playing and he started crying and I felt kinda bad for a minute but jeez it's not my fault they were so dull.
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