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The Best Grammys 2013 Swag, Including a Vagina Steamer

The Best Grammys 2013 Swag, Including a Vagina Steamer
Tanja M. Laden

I don't know who won the Grammys, and I don't really care. What interests me is what people had in their swag bags. Luckily, as a reporter I was invited to cover the Official Backstage Talent Gift Lounge, where I was chaperoned like a 13-year-old at a Bar Mitzvah.

See also: Our Best Tweets From the Grammys

It works like this: There are the gift bags, and the gift lounge. The gift bag is on a guest's seat before the awards ceremony and requires no schmoozing. The gift lounge, meanwhile, is where folks physically hand out gifts to famous people, in hopes of gaining their products exposure. Deluxe swag included...

The Best Grammys 2013 Swag, Including a Vagina Steamer
Tanja M. Laden

...everything from eye drops and throat drops to hand-dipped chocolates. Also, a USB shaver (!), a Touchfire iPad keyboard, and a IDAPT iPhone 5 lightning tip. Oh, and gift certificates to tropical resorts and an acupuncturist. Sadly, I didn't get any of the good shit, though I did score a Diet Pepsi.

This year's "official" gifting suite was under a white, big-top-style tent at Staples Center, right next to the awards ceremony. If America had a caste system, here's where you'd find it: only Grammy nominees and presenters were presumably "gifted," and camera-wielding plebeians such as I were assigned attendants to escort us, lest we tried to snag any swag for ourselves.

The Best Grammys 2013 Swag, Including a Vagina Steamer
Tanja M. Laden

The list of gift-room Grammy guests included everyone from Katy Perry and Ellen Degeneres to Elton John and Patti Smith; basically, anyone who was either onstage or nominated for a Grammy. Also, MC Lyte and AJ McLean got a bunch of stuff, so there you go.

The Best Grammys 2013 Swag, Including a Vagina Steamer
Tanja M. Laden

Clockwise from top left: An adorable kid doled out "fashion-forward fine jewelry" designed by LL Cool J's wife, Simone I. Smith. A cancer survivor, Smith has a tattoo of a lollipop that looks like it's been bitten, which inspired her to create pendants in the form of half-eaten suckers, with proceeds benefiting the American Cancer Society.

Next, Jeanette Longoria designed a limited edition of 100 hand-illustrated canvas shoes called "Music With Sole" for Carlitos Brand. Then, another adorable kid with a stylin' 'stache touted made-in-America street clothes from the Listen Collection by LGGK. Lastly, Seyie Putsure designed the "look" of the entire gift lounge on behalf of her firm, Seyie Design, a service that was valued at about $7400.

Below: The vagina steamer!

 

The Best Grammys 2013 Swag, Including a Vagina Steamer
Tanja M. Laden

The gift-lounge goodies included The Jäger iOsonic Toothbrush and Teeth Whitening System (retailing for $450), and a Gibson Guitar package ($1155). The iPhone and iPad cases from Devicewear cost $150 (the iPhones and iPads in the picture are fakes, btw). Chaka Khan's gourmet Chakalates and Khana Sutra candles were valued at the comparatively modest price of $63.

The Best Grammys 2013 Swag, Including a Vagina Steamer
Tanja M. Laden

Meanwhile, the main sponsor of the official Grammy gift lounge was the Japanese company, MTG. They make beauty-based gadgets that include portable ion misters and shiny massage devices that look like dildos.

The Best Grammys 2013 Swag, Including a Vagina Steamer
Tanja M. Laden

Finally, every year there's also an "unofficial" gift lounge somewhere offsite. This time, it took place inside the Pavilion Ballroom at the Hyatt Regency Century Plaza Hotel, nowhere near the actual Grammys.

Part luxury window-shopping, part late-night infomercial, it was where sponsors provided even more gifts to a bigger pool of people who may or may not have had anything to do with the awards. It's also where the series of systematic spiels and sales pitches came to a fever pitch. For example, the rep for the "vagina steamer" at Tikkun Holistic Spa in Santa Monica swore by the $50, 30-minute "V-steam" sessions. She said she'd never have been able to give birth at 46 years of age without the mugwort-infused vapors from the magic snatch chair.

I'll have to take her word for it.

See also: Our Best Tweets From the Grammys

Tanja M. Laden manages Flavorpill Los Angeles and blogs at Pop Curious. Follow her on Twitter at @PopCuriousMag.

Follow us on Twitter @LAWeeklyMusic, and like us at LAWeeklyMusic.

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