Snoop Dogg Endorses Cupcake-Shaped Beanies

INT. SMOKY ROOM DEEP WITHIN THE MUSIC INDUSTRY HEADQUARTERS - NIGHT

The late 1990s. A group of shady white guys are sitting around a boardroom-type table. Framed gold and platinum records all around them.

JENKINS: Wait, let me see if I get this right--we're gonna rebrand Calvin as a kid-friendly pimp?

ROARK: Yup. I know it's never been done, but bear with me. People will love it.

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BERNSTEIN: I don't know, man. We've worked really hard on this "Snoop Dogg" image for years. He's dangerous, possibly murderous...

JENKINS: Definitely gang-affiliated. What do you call those guys? The Crimps?

BERNSTEIN: Yeah, those blue guys with the bandanas. Anyways--I'm not sure about this whole kid-friendly thing. Are we going back to the Snoop Doggy Dog concept from 92? Kids love puppies...

Paid Da Cost To Wear Da Cupcake Beanie
Paid Da Cost To Wear Da Cupcake Beanie
Gustavo Turner

ROARK: No. He's still Snoop Dogg. That "Snoop D. O. Double-G" catchphrase is gold.

JENKINS: So, what are we thinking about? Dolls? TV-specials and tie-ins about parenting?

BERNSTEIN: "Parent Hood."

ROARK: Good one! Might be too soon for that though. Maybe in a couple of years.

JENKINS: Oh, "Parent." "Hood"! I get it.

BERNSTEIN: How about BEANIES SHAPED LIKE CUPCAKES?

Everyone turns around.

ROARK: That's too much.

JENKINS: You've gone off the reservation.

ROARK: Yeah, I mean--I'm sure we can pull off this rebranding of a gangsta, whore-peddling rapper into a cuddly toy. But SNOOP DOGG-ENDORSED BEANIES SHAPED LIKE CUPCAKES?


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