[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]
Song: Snoop and Wiz Khalifa's "Young, Wild and Free"
History: "Young, Wild and Free" is a Snoop Dogg and Wiz Khalifa collaboration. (I know, I know). It is the first single from Mac and Devin Go To High School, the soundtrack to their upcoming movie where they will both, for certain, win Oscars*.
*No joke, in the movie Snoop plays a 15-year high school student. How does that not snag him a statue?
Atmospherics: Sounds like the inside of a cloud (smoke or otherwise); sounds like a celebration; sounds like somebody's idea of what some teenagers who smoke pot would like*; sounds like Mac Miller told Wiz he didn't want to do this song and the A&Rs panicked and were like, "Shit, shit, shit. Who can we get to fill in for Mac? Who is supposed to be a guy that people associate with smoking weed? Snoop, right? Is he still alive? Shit, shit, shit. IS HE STILL ALIVE?! DOES ANYONE HAVE SNOOP'S NUMBER?!"
*Marketing anything towards pot smoking teenagers, particularly songs and movies about the teenager pot smoking experience, is pretty much the easiest job of all time. It's like trying to sell snacky cakes to fat kids or ignorance to people that watch Kourtney & Kim take New York. They don't just WANT that shit, they actively pursue it.
Scientific Analysis: You just CANNOTCANNOTCANNOT have a song where the premise is that its protagonists are young, wild and free if the protagonists are not, in fact, young, wild and free.
Khalifa can almost pass. He's young enough (24). And I suppose he's at least a tad wild -- how else to explain him dating Amber Rose. And, technically, he's free (we'll ignore the existential shackling and subsequent dampening of man's soul that comes with tampering with Kanye's ex. But Snoop? C'mon.
Doggystyle came out in 1993, when Mac Miller was negative 14-months-old. He is 40-years-old right now. You know who else is 40-years-old. NOBODY THAT'S EVER BEEN DESCRIBED AS "YOUNG," that's who.
Whereas early in his career he could've easily been described as "wild" (he was once the pitchman for St. Ides; he was once arrested for dealing cocaine; he was once charged with murder), Snoop is now a tame, old house cat. Did you know he has shilled for Norton Antivirus (I didn't even know they had commercials) and fucking Pepsi Max, the low-calorie, sugar-free cola? That's a tapered back version OF PEPSI, BRO.
The spokespeople for Pepsi were like, "Yo, Snoop. Wanna do a commercial for Pepsi?" and he was like, "Pepsi?! No way. There's, like, 250 calories per bottle. You guys have anything less aggressive?" and they were like, "Well, we have Pepsi Max, but we mostly market that to the elderly and the diabetic" and he was like, "Yahtzee!" At best, he's 25 percent wild. I mean, look at the chart; his face is dangling out of it. He's basically Morgan Freeman in Shawshank Redemption, except he has braids and slightly better teeth.
There's a point in the song where Wiz Khalifa, perhaps whiffing the silliness of Snoop's inclusion, remarks that he's not married and that he doesn't have children. Snoop's been married. Snoop has children. And no man that lays claim to such can be described as "free." None. Never. None. Not even in the very best of circumstances.
I'm married. I have children. Two nights ago I had to go to Home Depot to buy a light for the garage*. At checkout, I grabbed a candy bar. Then I got in the car and drove home. And on the way home I ate the candy bar as I could fast because I didn't want to have to share it with my wife (whom I love dearly) and my two sons (whom I kind of like). And that was, like, the most free I've felt in the past two months.
Snoop, free? He's as free as he is fat.
*That is something no single man has ever done ever. Light bulbs? Single men don't buy light bulbs for the garage. Single men memorize where everything is during the day and then move around at night like goddamn opossums.
(I) Mac Miller could've made this song way better, or, at the very least, way more believable.
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(II) Snoop Dogg was born when Richard Nixon was president.
(III) Snoop Dogg has unintentionally become the Pepsi Max of the rap industry.
(IV) Somebody should consider buying Snoop and Wiz a sandwich.