Shopping For Valentine's Day on Hollywood Blvd. with Kool Keith [NSFW]

Shopping For Valentine's Day on Hollywood Blvd. with Kool Keith [NSFW]

Kool Keith waited for the rain to let up on Sunset Blvd & Vine. The corner, once flanked by prostitutes and drag queens like a scene from Pretty Woman, now has a Borders bookstore sitting on it. Here Kool Keith drinks tea with producer Yeti and rapper/allies Bushman and Denis Deft, describing his 20 year hip hop career in loose tangents tangled with wisdom, his many alter egos, poetry, "being future," and family values.

But what we really want from him is advice for Valentine's Day, so he shows the back way out through garages and alleys to Hollywood Blvd., a route he's learned over decades shopping for lingerie.

Some find it hard to get kinky. Shy, moralistic, or polite, many do not venture anywhere near the storylines found in a Kool Keith music video. "They're in the closet," Keith says. "They are too confined and concerned with what their friends might think. Everyone's got morals, too over-conservative, and not introduced to stuff like this. People are stuck."

Of course, Keith gets downright pornographic in the abstract world of his raps. Poetic, eccentric and vulgar but funny, he's as known for wild stream of consciousness lyricism as he is for revealing more booty and nipple than anyone else. "I use that because it's true," he explains. "A lot of the rappers like to illusionalize. My life's been like that. I used to have people come to my house and a girl walk by in some lingerie naked going to the kitchen. With me, it's natural."

Shopping For Valentine's Day on Hollywood Blvd. with Kool Keith [NSFW]

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His natural communion with all things explicitly sexual made Keith the perfect spokesperson for the Dick Towel, a towel adorned with a penis and butt invented by the guys from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. This finds Keith in L.A. shooting a Dick Towel commercial. This finds Keith headlining a Valentine's party with a cartoon vagina on the postcard. He's always got to have dancers wearing thongs at a show, so when he enters a familiar lingerie store, its owner emerges from the back room and greets him by name. His friends disperse around the racks casually. They do this all the time. In fact, Keith usually hits up a lingerie strip before going into the studio to get his creative juices flowing. The guys hold up panties and bras, comparing colors and textures like the hosts of Horny Eye For The Straight Guy.

"This is art to me. Look at all the art," Keith points to a bedazzled corset with fringe tassels. He pets a feather lined sheer robe on the wall and begins offering his Valentine's advice:

"Women should come in here and get themselves some outfits for Valentine's Day and stop the joking around. Do some role play. Buy your stockings and your leg warmers and all that. You got masks. You can buy toys too. They're a good necessity."

The best texture for lingerie:

"Lycra. Silk. Silk-lycra. Stretch. Not too much cotton. Cotton has no shine to it. I like gloss and sparkles. I'm into things that shine. Feathers are nice but butterfly wings are tacky. No school girls. I would never want to take someone to bed in a kid's outfit. I suggest you get a teddy on the way out. No tu-tu. A nice teddy bear. Corsets. You can do it all types of ways."

A piece of lingerie that doesn't make sense:

"Them old nightgowns you buy from Ross. It's a waste of time. Young girls wearing old lady nightgowns. Another thing I'm against is sweatpants. Girls wear them around the house when they're painting stuff and they think it's sexy. The normal grey sweatpants. They're a total turnoff. Remember that. Less clothing is better, but stuff with imagination. Even a cape, stuff that adds to the dimension of the outfits. Nothing too normal."

Guys should greet their lady in a full suit:

"Trimmed nice, cut fit, with a dope shirt with cufflinks. Everybody feels like coordinating raggedy stuff together. There's nothing like a nice suit. It looks complete. Dave Navarro created the casual Hollywood look, everyone coming out with dragons on their shirts. He did that. Tommy Lee did that. Everybody can't hop out a Porsche with a casual rock t-shirt and ripped jeans. Only a few people should get away with that."

Getting kinky will keep couples together:

"When you get older your relationship has to be more innovative. You got to come out and take a walk to places you never been before. Start to expand. That adds a bunch more years to your relationship. That's why men and women go through divorces, go to strip clubs, Cheetah's Chippendale's, nobody is compromising to go out and get this stuff."

If you're on a budget:

"Go to the clearance rack and find some stuff. If you're choosing between tights or a mask, buy the tights. You can make up a scarf to wear at home for what you're doing. You can make up a type of outfit with what you got."

Do it before you're too old to look good in it:

"Some girls may be too conservative to find out. It's beyond something they think they're allowed to do. This stuff is to be worn. Put it on before you turn into an old lady, a grandma, put it on and wear it. At 75 years old, you're not going to look good in this. Do it now."

Don't forget high heels:

"Girls should come out and trying something different than the normal sweatpants. Put 'em on and entertain 'em. Play a nurse. Do something. Come and get an outfit and put it on. Everything. Always wear high heeled shoes. They enhance your legs. I don't think too many guys want a girl to come to bed wearing Converse. They don't kick."

If you need additional guidance:

"People need to go to my youtube and look at my videos and you'll get ideas."

Ladies and gentlemen: the dick towel
Ladies and gentlemen: the dick towel

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