Rock Bottom: The Five Worst Wrestling Themes of All Time
The American Males of "AMERICAN MALES! AMERICAN MALES!" fame.
Sunday is Wrestlemania 28, the WWE's annual sports-entertainment extravaganza. This year's card, headlined by The Rock vs. John Cena, is among the most anticipated of all time.
One of our favorite parts of the event is the spectacle of the superstars' entrances. While the greatest theme music, from Hulk Hogan's "Real American" to Steve Austin's glass-shattering, is fondly remembered as character-defining prime slices of Americana, the absolute worst are lost to the sands (or is that slams?) of time. We put the "sport of kings" in the Sharpshooter for a look at the five worst wrestling themes of all time.
5. "Just Look At Me"
Rob Conway - 2005
On one hand, we did appreciate the WWE trying something different than standard nu-metal for Rob Conway's entrance music. However, it can't be ignored how quickly a soft Randy Newman knock-off can turn a packed arena of rabid fans into absolute silence. Talented as Conway was, this song made wrestling fans rather not look at him.
4. "Here Come the Booty"
The Booty Man - 1996
Hulk Hogan's best friend Ed Leslie has played everything from a beloved wrestling barber to whatever the heck this was, but his worst gimmick is universally considered the one that revolved around his ass. While some clever points could be awarded for his signature move being the "high-knee" (get it? "hiney"), the world did not need to hear this man rap about his own butt. Ever.
3. "What'Chu Lookin' At"
X-Factor (performed by Uncle Kracker) - 2001
Licensing popular music can go a long way in rebranding a wrestler's character. It helped Hulk Hogan become a Hollywood egomaniac and the Undertaker transition from zombie to biker. Unfortunately, Uncle Kracker didn't do any favors for X-Pac, teaching us all that contemporary adult top-40 music will not make your gang very menacing.
2. "Ass Man"
Johnn Novello, Tom Scott, Chris Standring
TicketsTue., Sep. 19, 8:30pm
Chin Up Kid, Morning in May
TicketsWed., Sep. 20, 7:00pm
Orphaned Land, Pain, Voodoo Kung Fu
TicketsThu., Sep. 21, 7:00pm
Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
TicketsThu., Sep. 21, 7:30pm
Salute to John Coltrane
TicketsThu., Sep. 21, 8:30pm
Billy Gunn - 1999
Whether a cowboy, a cocky jock or just homoerotic, Billy Gunn usually had good luck with entrance themes. Sadly, he's most known for the absolutely puzzling "Ass Man." It's baffling why a series of mixed signal butt-puns is supposed to make us want to watch a wrestler, but as "Bad Ass," "Mr. Ass" and, later, "King Ass," Billy Gunn really wanted us to find something compelling in his bum. It's unknown whether he's Big Sean's favorite wrestler.
1. "American Males"
The American Males - 1995
A good wrestling theme conveys something about a character. Whether in exposition, tone, or even a series of noises, you should be able to decipher who someone is by the time they get to the ring. When Marcus "Buff" Bagwell and Scotty Riggs became wrestling's Calvin Klein ad the American Males, it inspired the single worst wrestling theme ever written. Much has been made about the repetitive chorus, but the perplexing verse"If you see them coming, better run for cover / girls you don't need a weekend lover", immediately followed by "if they want to talk to you, you better not listen / you might wind up in critical condition", is just as mind-numbingly stupid. The theme became so legendarily bad that, years later, Riggs reemerged in another promotion with "The Clap," a parody of his former theme song.
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