[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]
Song: Stevie Wonder's "I Just Called To Say I Love You"
History: Stevie Wonder wrote it. Everyone went crazy. It won some awards. Later, some other guy that knew Stevie Wonder was all, "Hey, everyone, I wrote this song, not Stevie." Stevie Wonder was like, "Nah, bro. I wrote that shit."
Atmospherics: A wonky, keyboardian digitization of love that fails the test of authenticity.
Scientific Analysis: I suppose the message of this song is to be sweet or honest or sincere. But if you remove the white lace and the glitter from the red construction paper heart, it's found to mostly be a celebration of codependency, which is totally not aces, yo.
There are certainly acceptable times to call someone and tell them that you love them, but doing so for the sake of doing so ain't one of them.
I mean, basically, it's this: Science has no room within its structured parameters for biologically invalid and illogical processes like love. An example: Yesterday was Valentine's Day. As such, I bought my wife -- who, FYI, is pretty much the best person I know to exist -- a 500GB portable hard drive and mentioned her in a tweet sent to nearly 3,000 people that declared my love for her. She is a professional photographer (hence, the storage unit for her data files) and she is a wife (hence, the highly public and open proclamation of affection), so it was the most pragmatic combination of gifts I could think to give.
After a very lovely dinner (which, despite my open pleading, did not occur at Arby's), she told me that after she'd read the tweet, she went into the restroom and cried. She said she wished I'd have written something sweet. I said the premise was sweet. She did not agree. Also, she was indifferent to the hard drive.
Science has solved a lot of the planet's mysteries, but navigating LOVE has not been one of them. The two should be kept away from each other, under penalty of imprisonment.
A quick examination of the thesis of "I Just Called To Say I Love You":
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(I) Electronic keyboards are not the shit anymore.
(II) Your Valentine's Day gift giving should not be guided by pragmaticism.
(III) Neither Stevie Wonder nor his phone calls know anything of science.