No Said Fred

Going out in Hollywood can be like playing a game of telephone sometimes: One person tells another about an unannounced show, and the next thing you know you’re standing in a queue at the IVAR because of a rumor that a really big unnamed metal band will be playing a surprise gig there. Or maybe it all started because of a promo whiz making sure the house was packed. In any case, we were initially doubtful since the usual Saturday night club, Engine Driver, is mostly hip-hop. But we got hopeful when we heard big riffs blaring from the club, and talk in the line that it would be Fred Durst and Staind onstage. And indeed there was amped-up headbanging goin’ on inside from some acts that sported tats, baggie pants and bald pates like the biggies in question, but the metal mania was courtesy of SIRFACE, LO-PRO and REVOLUTION SMILE, all newbies on the roster of Limp Bizkit’s mega-management company, the Firm (the latter two bands have been inked to imprint labels run by Staind’s Aaron Lewis and Durst, respectively). But there was still a chance something could happen: Freddie has been known to join his latest aces onstage. Among the mass of Forever 21–frocked femmes and Ashton Kutcher look-alikes in trucker caps were Deadsy’s ELIJAH BLUE (a.k.a. Cher’s son), members of ORGY and PUDDLE OF MUDD, über manager PETER KATSIS and Access Hollywood host SHAUN ROBINSON looking completely out of place. Alas, nookie man didn’t show, not that the dance-happy crowd that came later cared. Well, we should have known it was a mission impossible.

—Lina Lecaro

Life’s a Beotch

Getting into the ARMANI EXCHANGE/STUFF magazine BEACHDANCE party at the PACIFIC DESIGN CENTER was somewhat akin to boarding an international flight — an interrogation at the door and surly service inside. The PR door princess made Bobby Trendy look like a butch Emily Post. One of the only reasons to suffer such indignities — besides the free food and booze, of course — is the promise of a gift bag laden with goodies from the retailer hosting the soiree. At least when we finally did gain entrée, there were rows of half-naked men (now that was more like it) bearing palm fronds, who flanked the sisal carpet, there apparently to remind us that we were at a beach party, after all. “The best accessory here is that neck brace!” said musician-stylist CATHY COOPER, pointing out just about the only person sporting any kind of style statement. She had words with KIMBERLY STEWART (as in Rod’s spawn) over an outdoor private cabana Cathy was occupying along with songwriter CELESTE MORENO and stylist THOM MURRAY. Naturally Kimberly thought it should be all hers. Indoors and looking totally tan (regardless of race thanks to the genius golden sunset lighting) while sipping Skyy Vodka’s new spice-flavored vodka, which tasted the way well-manicured feet might, were actress TORI SPELLING, makeup artist HEE SOO KWON, El Vez costumer ESTEFAN BRAVO, JAG’s CATHERINE BELL, X2’s KELLY HU, former porn actor SIMON REX, bombshell BAI LING and underwear model–thespian ANTONIO SABATO JR. Line most heard all night: “Is that Paris Hilton?” We’re not sure if she ever did appear (although it would be shocking if she didn’t as she’s becoming the Sylvia Miles of her generation), but our gift totes finally did, and it was mighty slim pickings. Yet another good reason never to let strangers pack your bags.

—Marcus Kuiland-Nazario

Clothes to You

Perhaps Los Angeles isn’t exactly a custom-made tie and pocket square kind of town. But that certainly didn’t stop the freeloaders, B-listers, journalists and other assorted riffraff who will show up for the opening of a door from turning out to celebrate the West Coast launch of TURNBULL & ASSER, the 118-year old London clothing maker, which has counted prime ministers and princes of Wales as loyal patrons. It seems the customer base in L.A. is cut from a very different cloth, so to speak. In fact, most curiously, it appeared from the guest list that soap stars and actors from syndicated action hours are T&A’s biggest local fans: V.I.P.’s MOLLY CULVER, PassionsJAMES HYDE and Port CharlesKIKO ELLSWORTH all showed up in their Wednesday best, partaking in the killer appetizers and hand-rolled cigars. Baywatch babe TRACI BINGHAM revealed what T&A Hollywood style is all about. Prime-time TV folk also made an appearance, including the Gilmore GirlsSCOTT PATTERSON and American DreamsARLEN ESCARPETA. A Monica Lewinsky–free HAYLEY ARP, who starred in Mr. Personality, was arm-in-arm with the show’s winner, a maskless WILL DYCK. Guests were given a tour of the jewel box–sized store to check out the madras shirts and red-velvet smoking jackets on display. A Brit T&A associate proved his understanding of H-wood when he dropped the biggest name of the eve, his “dear friend” David Hockney (who wasn’t there) into his thank-you speech. It’s all about who you know.

—Christopher Lisotta

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