After an intense scrutiny of the video for "Sensual Seduction" confirmed what a battery of MRI exams had already hinted at, neurologist Gerald Schwartz of The Mayo Clinic has decisively concluded that the rapper, Snoop Dogg, has smoked himself "retarded."
"Retarded isn't a term we even use anymore, but in this case it just seems to fit," Schwartz said, furrowing his brow and waving his hands in air as though he actually does care. "Sometime around The Doggfather, Snoop's chronic use of chronic began to take its toll. Subsequent forays in the world of pornography, youth football and whatever Doggy Fizzle Telefizzle was, are further evidence of his burn-out, "The unfortunate reality is that 98.3 percent of Snoop Dogg's cerebral synapses are smothered in THC like birds dying on the beach after an oil spill."
Schwartz displayed the results of the questionnaire that Mr. Dogg filled out upon being admitted to the Mayo clinic.
"Look at this!" Schwartz said, showing reporters a Mayo entrance questionnaire where Dogg had written his name: Calvin Broadizzle Deezle. "The subject is unable to properly spell his own name correctly, not to mention he's exhibited classic schizophrenic behavior, by frequently requesting a voice box to sing into and asking the staff if they know whether or not he's a freak. He also kept on repeating the word, "Bootsy over and over again."
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Dogg's former mentor, Dr. Dre declined to comment on his colleague's medical condition, cl claiming to be too busy with his rigorous daily routine of snorting power shakes and bench-pressing baby elephants.
However, Dre's half-brother, frequent Snoop collaborator, Warren G, opened up to reporters about his fallen friend.
"Snoop....man....Snoop likes his weed," Warren G said, pausing, sighing and staring at the heavens. "I don't know why people still give him so much attention. I mean, you people do you realize that he's spit the same 16 bars in every verse since 1997? What about me? I'm Warren G. Don't you guys remember "Regulate?" Or "This is the Shack" Those were awesome, right? "
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After initially turning down several interview requests, Snoop Dogg gathered reporters to his house out in the hills right next to Chino, to deny reports of Schwartz's damning theories. Wearing nothing but a rhinestone studded lame jumpsuit and an electric guitar, the Long Beach bred rapper waggled his finger at the assembled media.
"You'll reportizzle is off-fizzle...Snoop Dizzle is still number wizzle. Pizzle, bitches. Pizzle."
Dogg then dismissed the crowd with a wave, an air pimp-slap and a villainous laugh. As for Schwartz, he contends that Dogg is slated to report back to the Mayo clinic in two weeks for some highly experimental brain therapy.
"We're determined to try to recover as much of his brain matter as possible," Schwartz said. We're going to get him on a manageable five blunt a day diet with no more than two glasses a day of Gin and Juice. We're also playing him an endless loop of The Chronic and Doggystyle and we're also considering showing Snoop re-runs of The L Word, specifically his guest appearances as 'Slim Daddy."