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Mystikal's 'Shake Ya Ass,' featuring Pharrell: Why This Song Sucks

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: Mystikal's "Shake Dat Ass," featuring Pharrell

History: "Shake Ya Ass," or "Shake It Fast" for the simps, is a song from Mystikal's Let's Get Ready album (2000). It was featured in several terribly terrible movies, including Juwanna Mann, where a guy dresses up as a woman and plays professional basketball and learns life lessons, Britney Spears's Crossroads, where she gets in a car and learns life lessons, and Hugh Grant's About a Boy, where he tries to procure a prostitute and learns life lessons (or I don't know, I didn't watch this one; that's probably the plot). Most importantly though, it made people at my college think it was OK to walk up to each other and dry-hump like mad, and that's pretty aces. I guess it all cancels each other out.

Mystikal's 'Shake Ya Ass,' featuring Pharrell: Why This Song Sucks

Incidentally:

No Women Has Ever Unsuccessfully Attempted To Dry-Hump A Man, Is What I'm Saying
No Women Has Ever Unsuccessfully Attempted To Dry-Hump A Man, Is What I'm Saying

Atmospherics: Snaking sly synths; jungle snares; Pharrellian falsettos.

Scientific Analysis: While most can appreciate "Shake Ya Ass's" byzantine ability to warble morality (matched in 1999/2000 only by Juvenile's "Back That Azz Up," or "Back That Thang Up" for the simps), and while some can appreciate its profound reductionism (he surmises the entirety of the human condition in three character traits), the song is, ultimately, scientifically invalid. Let's start with that cornerstone of modern science, the Venn diagram.

Character Traits
Character Traits

Here's the first line:

"Came here with my dick in my hand."

Hey, whoa. Come on, Mystikal. Your dick? That's what you brought to the party? Not some wine, not a nice seven layer dip? Your dick?

"Nastier than a full grown German Shepherd."

Dog slander? What's even happening right now?

"Now this ain't for no small booties, *no circus, no, sir, cause that won't pass."

I mean, a circus? Here's where normal humans live. ............................................................... Here's where Mystikal lives.

*Update: The dastardly villains at Metro Lyrics strike again.

"Bitch, ride that dick like you makin' a baby."

Oh, cool. Question: Are there other ways? Like, has anyone ever ridden one like they were trying to make, say, a sandwich? Because I think I might prefer that one.

"You gotta bend all the way over to dance off this."

Actually, this one isn't that strange, it's just a line that happens, in some variation, about 1,000x during the song. The premise defines Mystikal (generally). He isn't interested in your views on religion and he isn't interested in talking about the Civil War and he isn't interested in mathematical equations.

Mystikal Is Not A Complicated Man
Mystikal Is Not A Complicated Man
"Stop your cryin', heffer. I don't need all that."

An excuse for an anecdote: My neighbor has a daughter. She's adorable. She's also a goddamn maniac. One day -- in jest, mind you -- I quoted this line at her while she was blathering on about losing her toy racecar or something and her mom LOST HER FUCKING MIND. It was like I'd asked her if she wanted to go in the restroom and snort a few lines of blow with me off the toilet seat. I was like, "Oh, that's where you get it."

Conclusions:

(I) Mystikal has helped an untold number of penises rub up against an untold number of butts in an untold number of night clubs in America and God bless him for that.

(II) If you have an ass, it's suggested that you shake it. Fast, preferably.

(III) German Shepherds are like, "What the fuck did we do?"

(IV) It seems possible that the lady who lives next to us is doing a real good job of keeping all of the bodies she's hiding in her attic a secret.

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