[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]
Song: Lil Wayne's "No Worries"
History: "No Worries" is the ominous single from Lil Wayne's forthcoming I Am Not A Human Being II. When I was in the ninth grade I thought it'd be a good idea to take a bike that belonged to my neighbor (he was in the fourth grade) and use it to jump this big dirt hill that was in the yard a few houses up from us. I pedaled to the top of our street, turned around, came flying down, rode straight at the hill, hit it, ascended towards the stratosphere like a goddamn superstar, then completely panicked when the teeny-tiny bike began to tilt too far forwards.
The front tire caught the lip of the driveway perfectly and I smashed my face right the fuck into the concrete. I remember waking up and seeing ankles in front of my face. Then I remember going home and staring in the mirror for forty or so hours straight. I looked like if one of those Body Worlds skinless bodies put on some jean shorts and a Selena t-shirt. This song feels the same way those couple of seconds in the air did: Super exciting at first, then Oh Jesus Christ Kill Me Now Because Death Can't Be Worse Than This shortly after.
Atmospherics: Like if Future already had enough space on his album so he was like, "Yo, Wayne, you want this?"; like if Noel Fisher (producer) said, "Well, it worked on 'How To Love,' so yeah, let's try it again."
Analysis: There are, if I just spitball it, 1,000,000,000 things wrong with "No Worries." But I've analyzed this to come up with what is maybe the greatest discovery of the last two centuries: Lil Wayne's ability to rap is directly proportional to the length of his hair.
That's Wayne from the last thirteen years. He reaches an optimal hair length in 2004 (Da Drought, Da Drought 2), peaks inside of in 2006 (Dedication 2), then hangs on through 2008 (Tha Carter 3). Since then his hair has gotten longer and his rapping worse.
Now, a closer examination of this particular track. Here are the five worst lines:
"Smoke so much that Smokey the Bear have to bear with us."
Smoke so much that Smokey the Bear will have to bear with you? Smokey the Bear? Will have to bear with you? Oh, Wayne. What happened to us?
"It's okay if you turn up, just don't turn off my light years."
You're up, Alex Trebek:
"She bad as a hooker, so she ain't got no worries."
I remember watching a show on HBO called Hookers At The Point a ways back. Dude, there are a lot of things that hookers have. No worries isn't one of them. Or, I guess if maybe "no worries" is just a different way to say "sweaty-lapped fat guys to blow," then yeah, they have no worries like a motherfucker.
"Now take your fucking clothes off, let me see your Donkey Kong."
So we're just calling vaginas "Donkey Kong"s then? Cool, cool.
"I would talk about my dick, but, man, that should would be a long story."
Well... dang. Okay. That's a pretty good one. Still, that's one out of five. Twenty percent is a low F any way you divvy it up, chillbros. Science and math are best friends.
(I) For real, I smashed the shit out of my face. I didn't go to the doctor though, I just band-aided that bitch up.
(II) The higher the level of seriousness of an email you receive, the funnier it is to respond with nothing but an eye roll gif.
(III) Please, Wayne, you're one of rap's great natural resources. Stop.
(IV) If you look at a vagina and the first thing you think is "Donkey Kong," then maybe you need to keep better company.
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