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Kelly Clarkson's "Mr. Know It All": Why This Song Sucks

[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]

Song: Kelly Clarkson's "Mr. Know It All"

History: "Mr. Know It All" is the first single from Clarkson's fifth* album, Stronger.

*Since this is the "History" tab, and since Clarkson is eternally tied to American Idol, I tried for, like, maybe two full minutes to think of a good way to make a b.c. joke here (something about Before Cowell). Couldn't do it. Sorry, dudes. In exchange, here's a picture of former Russian president Vladimir Putin jogging shirtless in Siberia while carrying a rifle.

"Am I looking for my iPod? Fuck no. I'm trying to find my jogging rifle," Putin , 15 minutes before this picture was taken.
"Am I looking for my iPod? Fuck no. I'm trying to find my jogging rifle," Putin , 15 minutes before this picture was taken.

Atmospherics: Well, the atmospherics are fine, but I think I liked them better the first time, back when they were the chorus of "Just The Way You Are" by Bruno Mars.

In fairness, Clarkson and camp probably thought nobody would notice the similarities between the two. I mean, the video for "Just The Way You Are" only has 214,000,000 views on YouTube.

Also, "Mr. Know It All" is a breakup song and "Just The Way You Are" is a stay together song, so, guffaw, this is soooo not the same thing.

Scientific Analysis: There are two moments during the video where Clarkson winks at the camera, which is kind of strange.

Kelly Clarkson's "Mr. Know It All": Why This Song Sucks
Kelly Clarkson's "Mr. Know It All": Why This Song Sucks

And there are some quirky songwriting illogicisms that occur that are nominally troublesome. For example, the antagonist in the song (Mr. Know It All), is able to fool Clarkson into trusting him, despite his troublesome name. From the second verse: "Mr. Bring Me Down, well you like to bring me down."

In cartoon form:

Click To EnlargeEXPAND
Click To Enlarge

It's like, if a guy introduces himself to you as Mr. I'm Gonna Give You An STD If You Let Me Sleep With You, you maybe shouldn't be so surprised after receiving an STD after you let him sleep with you.

Something else problematic about all of this: Every time something significant happened with this song, something catastrophic occurred. To wit:

Kelly Clarkson's "Mr. Know It All": Why This Song Sucks

I mean. This shit is serious, son.

Bonus Graphic Made Specifically For Ms. Clarkson, Crafted Specifically With The Hope That Her Dating Life Becomes Easier:

Kelly Clarkson's "Mr. Know It All": Why This Song Sucks

Conclusions:

(I) Kelly Clarkson hopes you are not a fan of Bruno Mars.

(II) Winks are not cool.

(III) There is a possible correlation between Kelly Clarkson and Hurricane Irene.

(IV) Mr. Murders Prostitutes is not an ideal mate.


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