Henry Rollins: Help Us, Melania, You're Our Only Hope

Melania Trump can no longer hide her disgust.EXPAND
Melania Trump can no longer hide her disgust.
U.S. Army Sgt. Kalie Jones/Wikimedia Commons

It’s been minute to minute ever since comrade Trump went wheels-up for his first trip abroad. The upside of a multibillion-dollar arms deal with Saudi Arabia is what exactly? Oh yeah, the country that supplied a majority of 9/11 terrorists will acquire tons of weapons because the world needs more ways for men and their egos to impulsively plot your demise.

The grinning death skulls at Lockheed Martin say the deal “will directly contribute to [Saudi Arabia’s] Vision 2030 by opening the door for thousands of highly skilled jobs in new economic sectors.” Is this part of making America great again, or making rich people richer again? How are you going to get such a job if you’re not highly skilled? Oh no! Bye, Arkansas, Louisiana, Mississippi. Look up ahead, you see that? Know what it is? That’s right! Nothing. Even the past has left you behind. How are you going to keep your low-skilled job if you’re all blowed up?

Saudi Arabia has been a great customer of USA-made murder goodies for years, so more is better, right? I mean, some of those billions are trickling their way to you right now, for sure.

This most recent deal with a country that practices Sharia law, hacks off hands, executes with great frequency and oppresses with ease is one of the signposts that the Homo sapiens show is coming to an end. Our days are numbered. It’s awful, but at the same time, since the species seems so intent on snuffing out all life as it terminates its own command, we might as well have a few laughs before we deregulate ourselves into extinction.

It is not surprising that Putin’s errand boy was given a warm welcome by Saudi royalty. They’re as sensitive to the plight of the less fortunate as wolverines, too, so they were bound to hit it off. Watching the comrade get that corny medal from King Salman was painful.

The end is nigh, and the signs are everywhere.

For example, in Zimbabwe, big-game hunter Theunis Botha’s life came to an ironic end that smacks of Hemingway’s story The Short Happy Life of Francis Macomber. Botha, along with a group of hunters he had taken on a killing spree, were charged by a herd of elephants. One actually picked Botha up with its trunk! One of the other hunters shot the elephant, which crushed Botha when it hit the ground. The hunter got a twofer with his double homicide. Sad about the elephant.

Back in Saudi Arabia, Trump and his gang of ghouls pal around with other bloodless motherfuckers. Trump’s Shirley Temple curtsy to King Salman was pure draft dodger, cupcake, golf-cart warrior fawning. No doubt the hypocrisy of a man who has taken every possible opportunity to bash the Muslim world, including the civility President Obama expressed when he bowed to King Abdullah years ago, was lost on his dead-end supporters. It will be hilarious to hear them try to spin the travails of this caravan of grifters and incompetents into foreign-policy gold.

Like I said, we’re almost out of here.

On his way to Israel, perhaps comrade Trump had some time to catch up with the super-exciting events happening in America. All’s not well here, and no matter how hard Fox News personalities play-act at being outraged about the Flynn thing, the Comey thing, the Mueller thing and the Russia thing, the ground is moving underneath their feet.

I have no confidence in wrongs being righted and the bad guys going down. None. I think Comey will disappoint, and Mueller will be neutralized. Why? Because comrade Trump is a sloppy thief, and he’s making the other, more skillful thieves look bad. He’s damaging the brand. They either toss him under the bus or circle the wagons to protect him so they can save their own, gerrymandered futures. I think they will choose the latter.

Is there a ray of sunlight in this otherwise dark, oligarchic nightmare? I believe there is. Our enigmatic first lady, Melania Trump, could be the inoculation of sanity this diseased body politic needs so badly.

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This poor woman can no longer hide her disgust. Recent photos of her are intense. Her eyes are raging! I admire her for staying away from Washington as much as she has. I am sorry it costs so much for her to live in NYC, but I think she’s staying there to protect her son. I bet she considers herself a mother before anything else.

I don’t know much about her, but she seems to be the only one of the pack who’s repulsed by what she sees. I think she came up tough and is more streetwise than her failure of a husband ever had to be. I also think she knows everything and, unlike her robotic, trinket-slinging stepdaughter and her softer-than-Charmin husband, it makes her sick.

Wouldn’t it be great if she moved into the White House and embraced her status as FLOTUS? She’s far more articulate than the dud she married. If she did more interviews, she would not only impress but maybe win some people over and actually do some good. She could be Calpurnia to Trump’s Caesar.

Can’t you see her in black leather gear and take-no-prisoner pumps as she forces her flounder hubby facedown on the bed, gagging him with one of his stupid ties and then taking out the last 100-plus days of pent-up rage on his backside with one of his own belts? Mistress Melania, bring the pain! During business hours, she could handle the other stuff.

Come on, Ms. First Lady! Drain the swamp and save us all.

Look for your weekly fix from the one and only Henry Rollins right here every Thursday, and come back tomorrow for the playlist for his Sunday KCRW broadcast.


More from the mind of Henry Rollins:
White America Couldn't Handle What Black America Deals With Every Day
Bowie's Blackstar Is on the Level of Low and Heroes
No Matter Who Wins, America Is Only Going to Get Angrier


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